Tag Archives: poetry

finish last

You know that saying
“nice guys finish last”
well let me assure you, it goes for nice girls too.

I am too nice… people tell me it all to often.
I truly wish I could be mean, but I cant…
the only times I am mean,
are when I’m trying to push people away,
but my goal is to hurt myself, not them.

If I care about you, odds are I care with every fiber of my being.
I will probably forgive you for anything,
because I suck at staying mad,
even if you don’t deserve to be forgiven.

No one wants someone who is nice.
No one wants someone like me I guess.

Sure I am pretty, but let me tell you,
looks get you no where.

In this day and age, no one wants someone who is nice…
I don’t know why, but they just don’t.
and despite how nice and caring I am,
people generally treat me with 0 respect.

Even still, you can treat me like garbage…
I will still forgive you…
I will still care…

So here I sit,
too nice,
too loving,
too caring.

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not so happy new year

Every night while I am trying to get to sleep
my brain doesn’t shut up.
I think of all these things I could write about.
But my body wont move, it wont let me get up and write all the chaos down.
So here I am, in the morning, sitting in front of my computer trying to find
all the words I thought of the night before…
and nothing is coming to me.

I wanted to talk about Carrie.
I wanted to talk about this vast loneliness.
I wanted to talk about how much I hate this time of year.

But who listens? Who cares? No one.

I know I am too much for people.
I feel to much.
I talk to much.
I care to much.
I love to much.
I cry to much.
I think to much.
The list could go on and on.

I’m weird and I’m strange.
People like the IDEA of me.
I look like some cool, edgy, alternative girl.
But when they get to know me, people sure seem to be greatly disappointed.

Who wants to be around someone who is just too intense…
People don’t understand me… I’m weird and strange and don’t fit.

I have become a full out hermit.
I cannot handle being around people anymore.
Because I can’t handle being hurt anymore.

So many people take advantage of me.
I’m always available to the people I care about,
and boy, do people ever exploit that quality.

Do you want to know what I fantasize about the most?
Death.
I would give anything to just have my life end.
But I can’t because I don’t want to hurt the few people that do care.

I wish it was me and not Carrie.
At least she was making a difference.
She could help people.

I got to spend my Birthday alone.
Sitting on my couch all day crying.
I spent new years with my parents.
I was crying then too.

That is all I do, cry and think about taking my life.
I don’t look forward to this year… it is going to be just another year of pain.
Like every year.

I’m so tired.
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If only I had the courage to take my life,
a selfish act you say?
Can’t I have just one, for myself.
I spend my days fighting battles you will never see.

Emotional exhaustion is something I have yet to overcome.
Because even when I sleep,
I am still waging wars.
There is only so many times,
that I can manage to find,
the strength inside,
to make my demons stay away.

I feel to much,
what you feel,
what he feels,
what I feel,
it all becomes blurred.

I keep it to myself.
I can’t ever let you see,
all the mess inside of me.
I know that even if you catch a peak,
you’ll think I’m a freak.

This is a road I’ve walked alone,
it had already been set in stone.
No one can say I haven’t tried,
even through all the tears I’ve cried.

I can’t do this on my own anymore,
I can’t keep fighting this war,
don’t leave me alone.

Please

 

 

 

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Self-sabotage

I feed off of people.
The way the look at me,
speak to me,
treat me.
Its the only escape I have from my own head.
I feel to much.
Good and bad.
What I would give to not feeling anything.
Is it sad,
that I dream of feeling nothing?
To not care with every fiber of my soul,
for just one day.

I’ve always been told, that I fall to fast.
It doesn’t happen often, but when it does.
BAM
I wish it didn’t happen like that.
Its always so one sided.
No one will ever feel for me, the same way I feel for them.
That is a fact.
I’ve been viewed as an object for so long, that isn’t going to magically change.

I’m my own worst enemy.
Self-sabotage is my skill set.
I hurt myself before anyone else can get the chance.
Its hard to live in a world, where you don’t trust anyone,
least of all yourself.

Can I please be normal.
Can’t these demons let me go?
Please make them stop.

 

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let me go

I can feel it,
Crawling up my skin.
I can hear it,
Whispering in my ear,
I can see it,
Blocking out my light.

My demons want to come out and play.
They feel neglected.
I pushed them aside,
To bask in a moment of happiness.
They don’t like when those times come.
My darkness wants to run the show.
To be the center of attention.

Please don’t ruin this for me.
Don’t fill my mind with doubt.
Fears taking over my head.
Clouding my thoughts,
Breaking my self esteem.
Please.
Let me go.

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set me free

I question everything I know,
my fear has begun to show.
The things that I thought
would mean something to me,
and could always set me free,
that made me who I wanted to be…

There are days that I don’t even know my  name,
why have things become so strange.
I don’t recognize who is inside
no matter how hard I have tried,

I feel so trapped,
Maybe I have finally snapped.
my mind holds me hostage.
It has me locked in a cage,
I don’t know how to turn this page.

Please let me go,
what do you want from me?
You have taken enough,
just set me free.

I beg and plead.
as they watch me bleed.
The demons laugh,
They will never let me leave.

As darkness surrounds,
reality has been lost,
the fiends wrap around me,
what will be the cost?

Words fly by,
I reach for the sky,
and piece together the madness,
all it brings is sadness.

Please let me go,
what do you want from me?
You have taken enough,
just set me free.

The light has started to fade,
and the monsters in my mind,
have ended their raid,
I don’t think anyone could find,
an inch of me.

 

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shell

Beyond exhausted and overwhelmed.
Can’t keep fighting these battles in my head.
Can’t win against my own mind.
Tell me what is real…

I shouldn’t have to live like this.
Yet this is the only way it is ever going to be.

I idolize the idea of death.
Everyone has to have a dream.
What a sweet escape that would be.
Just to have everything stop.
No more pain,
no more anything.
That is bliss.

But no, no escape for me.
Guilt takes hold.
I’m not allowed to want to die.
Because what about everyone else?

Well guess what…
I’m tired of putting everyone else first.
Its what I have always done,
but who is putting me first?

Shouldn’t be my choice?
To live or die.
Shouldn’t that be one thing I have control over in this world?
I’m empty,
I’m a shell of everything I once was.
This mask is getting to heavy,
my mind doesn’t want to be here.

 

Just let me go.

 

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so i thought

I’ve always been a nice person, so I thought.
I go out of my way for anyone and everyone.
And more often then not I am taken advantage of.
Not appreciated
or just taken for granted.
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That is basically it in a nutshell…
As much as I don’t want to become a shitty person.
As much as I know I am good.
I am rare.
I’m basically a unicorn.
I can’t continue to allow this to happen.
I cannot continue to allow myself to be treated this way.

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am I the only one?

Its time for me to go on a rant
I am so sick of seeing all these little inspirational quote memes
that tell you, you can’t love someone until you love yourself,
or the only kind of love you really need is your own.
FUCK THAT.
That is such bullshit.
Sometimes I hate myself, my mind turns against me.
But that does not mean I can’t love someone else.
Don’t tell me that I have to love myself to be able to love others.
OR
You know what, even on days where I do love myself,
that doesn’t mean that I don’t need it from someone else.
We are social creatures.
Why are we telling each other when we should or should not love others?
Why are we telling each other that we shouldn’t or don’t need love from other people?

Then on the other end,
everyone is making love out to be weak.
Everyone is pushing the idea of open relationships with no commitment.
To me, that seems unnatural.
Once I start to love someone, in a romantic sense, I can see no one but them.
But by today’s “standards” that is shamed.

The way I love, is one of the better qualities given to me by my illness,
yet society shames me for that too.

Life is so short, maybe we all need to spend that time, telling people we love them.
Instead of investing our time in being quite and selfish.
HAVE EMOTIONS, HAVE FEELINGS, EXPRESS THEM!
DON’T BE ASHAMED!

People can make us happy.
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SAVE ME

A battle is going on behind my eyes.
and every day, takes its tole on my soul.
I don’t want to fight it,
But I can’t let it to consume me.
I’m so tired of questioning everything I feel.
Thoughts always racing through my head,
never knowing what is real.

I need more reassurance,
but I don’t know how to ask for it.
I don’t know how to survive in a world
that is ashamed to feel.
When I feel every little thing to the extreme.

Am I the one that is crazy?
Or has the world just gone mad?
Why am I so afraid of what the future holds.

Death has become my fantasy.
The idea of feeling nothing,
of being nothing…
Its a dream.

I am sick of being stuck in my head.
My thoughts wreaking havoc in my brain.
I want to escape.

Then there was you,
You bring peace.
You silence my demons.
My darkness is in awe of you.
But only when you are here.
Other wise it fills me with doubt.

I second guess everything.
If only you knew the power you have,
you could destroy me or save me.
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