Every night while I am trying to get to sleep
my brain doesn’t shut up.
I think of all these things I could write about.
But my body wont move, it wont let me get up and write all the chaos down.
So here I am, in the morning, sitting in front of my computer trying to find
all the words I thought of the night before…
and nothing is coming to me.
I wanted to talk about Carrie.
I wanted to talk about this vast loneliness.
I wanted to talk about how much I hate this time of year.
But who listens? Who cares? No one.
I know I am too much for people.
I feel to much.
I talk to much.
I care to much.
I love to much.
I cry to much.
I think to much.
The list could go on and on.
I’m weird and I’m strange.
People like the IDEA of me.
I look like some cool, edgy, alternative girl.
But when they get to know me, people sure seem to be greatly disappointed.
Who wants to be around someone who is just too intense…
People don’t understand me… I’m weird and strange and don’t fit.
I have become a full out hermit.
I cannot handle being around people anymore.
Because I can’t handle being hurt anymore.
So many people take advantage of me.
I’m always available to the people I care about,
and boy, do people ever exploit that quality.
Do you want to know what I fantasize about the most?
I would give anything to just have my life end.
But I can’t because I don’t want to hurt the few people that do care.
I wish it was me and not Carrie.
At least she was making a difference.
She could help people.
I got to spend my Birthday alone.
Sitting on my couch all day crying.
I spent new years with my parents.
I was crying then too.
That is all I do, cry and think about taking my life.
I don’t look forward to this year… it is going to be just another year of pain.
Like every year.
I’m so tired.