Tag Archives: break downs

New Year, new me?

As per usual I rung in the New Year sad and alone… but its my own fault.

I always tend to fall into a deep depression at this time of year and of course I keep it to myself.
I don’t open up anymore because I’m afraid people are so sick of hearing about it.
So because I do not talk about it,
I tend to end up pushing people away,
even tho that is clearly the opposite of what I want to do.
I don’t know how to tell people I need them.
Instead I push the people I need away,
because I figure as soon as they see my darkness,
they are going to run for the fucking hills anyway.

So here it is, I’ve pushed someone else away.
I know I am not worth fighting for (well that’s what my demons tell me)
Who would want to put up with someone who has so much darkness inside.

I’m sorry to all the people I’ve pushed away over the years.
I push you away because I care about you
and I think you deserve better then what I am.
Because I think you’re going to leave me anyway.
I know I am wrong. I know I need to change and be better.


I need to change.
I need to see my self worth.
I need to know I am worth fighting for.
I need to know I am worth loving.
I need to know I am so much more then my broken pieces.
I need to communicate better.
I need to let my walls down.
I need to ask for help.
I need to stop pushing people away.
I need to stop overthinking.

Here is to 2018, may I find the strength to fight these demons and be a stronger, better person!
Happy New Year Everyone!


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the other side

Does anyone talk about the other side of having a mental illness.
We all know the dark side, the side that hides and lives in the shadows.
But what about the other side?

I do the opposite of what a lot of people do, no matter what, I rarely hide away and vanish.
Yes I am a hermit, but I am the girl that responds to every text message right away.
No matter what, I will be there for people.
I am not the type of person to use the words “I’m busy.”
I will be there for someone, even if my mind is tearing me apart, and I don’t know where I begin and the darkness ends.
I will still answer your text.
It makes me anxious not to get back to people.
Knowing someone could need me in that second, but I was “too busy” to respond.
Because of this,
people seem to think I sit around all day waiting by the phone.
I have mastered the art of multi tasking.
I could be in the middle of something very important, and I will still get back to you, probably right away.
I put others before myself.
Just because I get back to you right away,
do not assume that I sit around with nothing to do.
People are too busy in this day and age to even acknowledge one another.
Yet it is so easy to stay in contact and make time for people.
Yes, I do have a problem, I put everyone else above myself.
Trust me, I’ve learned time and time again what a bad idea that is.
But yet here I am.
Still doing it.
No matter how much I have going on,
no matter how bad the battle going on in my mind is that day,
I will be there.
Please don’t take advantage of my kindness.
Even if you do, I will still be the same way.

There are days that I wish beyond anything that I could fully vanish.
Leave all my feelings and cares behind.
Humans are my biggest love, but also my worst fear, even more so then my own mind.

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If only I had the courage to take my life,
a selfish act you say?
Can’t I have just one, for myself.
I spend my days fighting battles you will never see.

Emotional exhaustion is something I have yet to overcome.
Because even when I sleep,
I am still waging wars.
There is only so many times,
that I can manage to find,
the strength inside,
to make my demons stay away.

I feel to much,
what you feel,
what he feels,
what I feel,
it all becomes blurred.

I keep it to myself.
I can’t ever let you see,
all the mess inside of me.
I know that even if you catch a peak,
you’ll think I’m a freak.

This is a road I’ve walked alone,
it had already been set in stone.
No one can say I haven’t tried,
even through all the tears I’ve cried.

I can’t do this on my own anymore,
I can’t keep fighting this war,
don’t leave me alone.





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I’m tired

I’m tired.
of trying,
of living,
of hurting,
of crying,
of doubting,
of everything.
I’m tired of never being enough for people.
I’m tired of people telling me I’m not doing what they think I should be doing.
No one knows what its like to be inside my head.
Every day I’m fighting just to stay alive.
But you don’t see it.
No one sees it.
I’d like to see you try to survive a day in my mind.
You wouldn’t last.
I feel like I’m just a burden on everyone.
It makes me feel like shit.
I hate myself, for something that is beyond my own control.
Other people add to that hatred that my demons already bring out.
I wish I was normal.
I wish I could be as selfish and cruel as most of the world.
But sadly that isn’t in the cards for me.
I am stuck here, feeling every little thing that has ever happened to me.
Blaming myself for every time someone has hurt me.
I hate myself, even though somewhere,
deep down in my soul,
I know that I am a good person.
But I know that being a good person gets you no where in life.
I know I will always be alone.
Being alone is so much easier.
Then I only have to worry about hurting myself,
instead of having to worry when someone else will beat me to it.


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set me free

I question everything I know,
my fear has begun to show.
The things that I thought
would mean something to me,
and could always set me free,
that made me who I wanted to be…

There are days that I don’t even know my  name,
why have things become so strange.
I don’t recognize who is inside
no matter how hard I have tried,

I feel so trapped,
Maybe I have finally snapped.
my mind holds me hostage.
It has me locked in a cage,
I don’t know how to turn this page.

Please let me go,
what do you want from me?
You have taken enough,
just set me free.

I beg and plead.
as they watch me bleed.
The demons laugh,
They will never let me leave.

As darkness surrounds,
reality has been lost,
the fiends wrap around me,
what will be the cost?

Words fly by,
I reach for the sky,
and piece together the madness,
all it brings is sadness.

Please let me go,
what do you want from me?
You have taken enough,
just set me free.

The light has started to fade,
and the monsters in my mind,
have ended their raid,
I don’t think anyone could find,
an inch of me.



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Beyond exhausted and overwhelmed.
Can’t keep fighting these battles in my head.
Can’t win against my own mind.
Tell me what is real…

I shouldn’t have to live like this.
Yet this is the only way it is ever going to be.

I idolize the idea of death.
Everyone has to have a dream.
What a sweet escape that would be.
Just to have everything stop.
No more pain,
no more anything.
That is bliss.

But no, no escape for me.
Guilt takes hold.
I’m not allowed to want to die.
Because what about everyone else?

Well guess what…
I’m tired of putting everyone else first.
Its what I have always done,
but who is putting me first?

Shouldn’t be my choice?
To live or die.
Shouldn’t that be one thing I have control over in this world?
I’m empty,
I’m a shell of everything I once was.
This mask is getting to heavy,
my mind doesn’t want to be here.


Just let me go.



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so i thought

I’ve always been a nice person, so I thought.
I go out of my way for anyone and everyone.
And more often then not I am taken advantage of.
Not appreciated
or just taken for granted.
That is basically it in a nutshell…
As much as I don’t want to become a shitty person.
As much as I know I am good.
I am rare.
I’m basically a unicorn.
I can’t continue to allow this to happen.
I cannot continue to allow myself to be treated this way.

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am I the only one?

Its time for me to go on a rant
I am so sick of seeing all these little inspirational quote memes
that tell you, you can’t love someone until you love yourself,
or the only kind of love you really need is your own.
That is such bullshit.
Sometimes I hate myself, my mind turns against me.
But that does not mean I can’t love someone else.
Don’t tell me that I have to love myself to be able to love others.
You know what, even on days where I do love myself,
that doesn’t mean that I don’t need it from someone else.
We are social creatures.
Why are we telling each other when we should or should not love others?
Why are we telling each other that we shouldn’t or don’t need love from other people?

Then on the other end,
everyone is making love out to be weak.
Everyone is pushing the idea of open relationships with no commitment.
To me, that seems unnatural.
Once I start to love someone, in a romantic sense, I can see no one but them.
But by today’s “standards” that is shamed.

The way I love, is one of the better qualities given to me by my illness,
yet society shames me for that too.

Life is so short, maybe we all need to spend that time, telling people we love them.
Instead of investing our time in being quite and selfish.

People can make us happy.

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A battle is going on behind my eyes.
and every day, takes its tole on my soul.
I don’t want to fight it,
But I can’t let it to consume me.
I’m so tired of questioning everything I feel.
Thoughts always racing through my head,
never knowing what is real.

I need more reassurance,
but I don’t know how to ask for it.
I don’t know how to survive in a world
that is ashamed to feel.
When I feel every little thing to the extreme.

Am I the one that is crazy?
Or has the world just gone mad?
Why am I so afraid of what the future holds.

Death has become my fantasy.
The idea of feeling nothing,
of being nothing…
Its a dream.

I am sick of being stuck in my head.
My thoughts wreaking havoc in my brain.
I want to escape.

Then there was you,
You bring peace.
You silence my demons.
My darkness is in awe of you.
But only when you are here.
Other wise it fills me with doubt.

I second guess everything.
If only you knew the power you have,
you could destroy me or save me.





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sometimes you meet people that can just calm the chaos of your mind when you spend time with them.
I have a couple people like that in my life and I am so thankful.
I could be having the worst day ever and as soon as I see them,
everything is okay.
I am so thankful for these people.
These past two weeks my mind has been in shambles.
Everything has been overwhelming me.
My mind just goes to the darkest places and just stays there.
Its exhausting.
Hopefully I will have a week or so of peace and calm.13445500_1104122469655480_3148967962479206076_n

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