Tag Archives: bpd

diving back in

I’ve been MIA over the past few months.
I had a few not so great experiences on here.

But I am now ready to give this blogging thing another go, so I shall just dive back in.
( need to clear some thoughts out of my head )

 

 

I question things a lot, especially in regard relationships.
I’ve always had bad luck.
(pretty sure I am cursed)
I tend to assume the worst in people,
because that is all I’ve ever experienced.
On the rare occasion that I actually click with someone,
I fall pretty easily.
More often then not I am simply waiting to get hurt.
I tend to take things the wrong way,
to see the negative in things, even if there is nothing negative there.
Then I over think every detail of basically everything.
I’m not very good at taking things at face value.
I fear the unknown.
I’m so sure that everyone is heartless and just wants to hurt me.

 

The way I think, its like sticking a thermometer into a pool
(after only having your toe in the water for two seconds)
I need to check and make sure the water isn’t to cold,
because clearly I’m scared of freezing to death.
When really I should just take my time getting into the water.
I can take things slow, I don’t need to keep checking…

Wow I sound insane…

Thanks for reading!

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not so happy new year

Every night while I am trying to get to sleep
my brain doesn’t shut up.
I think of all these things I could write about.
But my body wont move, it wont let me get up and write all the chaos down.
So here I am, in the morning, sitting in front of my computer trying to find
all the words I thought of the night before…
and nothing is coming to me.

I wanted to talk about Carrie.
I wanted to talk about this vast loneliness.
I wanted to talk about how much I hate this time of year.

But who listens? Who cares? No one.

I know I am too much for people.
I feel to much.
I talk to much.
I care to much.
I love to much.
I cry to much.
I think to much.
The list could go on and on.

I’m weird and I’m strange.
People like the IDEA of me.
I look like some cool, edgy, alternative girl.
But when they get to know me, people sure seem to be greatly disappointed.

Who wants to be around someone who is just too intense…
People don’t understand me… I’m weird and strange and don’t fit.

I have become a full out hermit.
I cannot handle being around people anymore.
Because I can’t handle being hurt anymore.

So many people take advantage of me.
I’m always available to the people I care about,
and boy, do people ever exploit that quality.

Do you want to know what I fantasize about the most?
Death.
I would give anything to just have my life end.
But I can’t because I don’t want to hurt the few people that do care.

I wish it was me and not Carrie.
At least she was making a difference.
She could help people.

I got to spend my Birthday alone.
Sitting on my couch all day crying.
I spent new years with my parents.
I was crying then too.

That is all I do, cry and think about taking my life.
I don’t look forward to this year… it is going to be just another year of pain.
Like every year.

I’m so tired.
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feel

I feel crazy.

What is the actual definition of the word?
Maybe more of us are actually… crazy.
But, right now, I feel it.
The lack of control over my mind,
my thoughts running rampant.
Questioning everything i do, think, feel, see…
Making me question and over think every single thing that comes my way.
Some days,
oh some days I do have control, but it never lasts long.
Then I feel my old friend sneak back in and take over.
And he refuses to play as a team,
when my darkness is around, he’s in control and knows whats “best”.

So that sure sounds crazy, so I must be crazy.
I mean, I guess that doesn’t have to be a bad thing?
But people will think it is.
Because people who have full control of their mind, will never understand that there are many levels of crazy, some of them aren’t so bad.

I feel to much, it has always been a problem.
Not only do I feel my own feelings, I pick up on everyone else’s too.
There are days I would give up anything to not feel so much.
I don’t think anyone understands what this is like.

Even feeling good emotions can be so overwhelming.
But its the negative ones that destroy me.
I am always fighting wars with my mind.
I am in a state of constant exhaustion,
but my mind doesn’t even stop for me to get enough sleep.

I feel so very alone.
The things I once enjoyed can’t even hold my attention.
I have to always be doing a million things at once just to try to distract my demons.

Every day just seems to grow darker.
Fighting these battles keeps getting harder.
I don’t know how much longer I can do this.
What is the point of living a life like this?
I feel so lost and the loneliness is killing me.
Death is a constant fantasy.
I have trouble finding words.
I only know that I want this pain to stop.
I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
No one should have to feel the way I do.
My mind is destroying me.

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the other side

Does anyone talk about the other side of having a mental illness.
We all know the dark side, the side that hides and lives in the shadows.
But what about the other side?

I do the opposite of what a lot of people do, no matter what, I rarely hide away and vanish.
Yes I am a hermit, but I am the girl that responds to every text message right away.
No matter what, I will be there for people.
I am not the type of person to use the words “I’m busy.”
I will be there for someone, even if my mind is tearing me apart, and I don’t know where I begin and the darkness ends.
I will still answer your text.
It makes me anxious not to get back to people.
Knowing someone could need me in that second, but I was “too busy” to respond.
Because of this,
people seem to think I sit around all day waiting by the phone.
No.
I have mastered the art of multi tasking.
I could be in the middle of something very important, and I will still get back to you, probably right away.
I put others before myself.
Just because I get back to you right away,
do not assume that I sit around with nothing to do.
People are too busy in this day and age to even acknowledge one another.
Yet it is so easy to stay in contact and make time for people.
Yes, I do have a problem, I put everyone else above myself.
Trust me, I’ve learned time and time again what a bad idea that is.
But yet here I am.
Still doing it.
No matter how much I have going on,
no matter how bad the battle going on in my mind is that day,
I will be there.
Please don’t take advantage of my kindness.
Even if you do, I will still be the same way.

There are days that I wish beyond anything that I could fully vanish.
Leave all my feelings and cares behind.
Humans are my biggest love, but also my worst fear, even more so then my own mind.

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If only I had the courage to take my life,
a selfish act you say?
Can’t I have just one, for myself.
I spend my days fighting battles you will never see.

Emotional exhaustion is something I have yet to overcome.
Because even when I sleep,
I am still waging wars.
There is only so many times,
that I can manage to find,
the strength inside,
to make my demons stay away.

I feel to much,
what you feel,
what he feels,
what I feel,
it all becomes blurred.

I keep it to myself.
I can’t ever let you see,
all the mess inside of me.
I know that even if you catch a peak,
you’ll think I’m a freak.

This is a road I’ve walked alone,
it had already been set in stone.
No one can say I haven’t tried,
even through all the tears I’ve cried.

I can’t do this on my own anymore,
I can’t keep fighting this war,
don’t leave me alone.

Please

 

 

 

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a letter

A letter to a Jedi,

I don’t know where to start.
We barely know each-other.
We haven’t even met.
But there is something there.
At least I felt it.
Maybe you didn’t.
But I feel your absence now.
I question life so often,
and I want to know why it put you in my path,
just to have you leave.
Distance doesn’t scare me.
I’ve given up hope so often.
I have accepted the odds of growing old alone.
I blame myself for everything.
Doing this alone is so hard.
And trust me, it is not like I let anyone in.
I felt to much to quickly.
Its part of my curse.
I guess it weirds people out.
No one likes to have feelings anymore,
let alone when someone else gets strong feelings for them.
I truly wish I could turn it off, and become a robot.
I feel the good feelings just as extremely as the bad feelings.
I guess I should know by now, that no one wants a person like me.
But then again, that is just my demons feeling my head.
But at the end of the day, they have stuck around.
No one else has.
I know at the end of the day, I could have loved you.
But I never stood a chance.14615839_1120393844709700_7364863139579580343_o

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Self-sabotage

I feed off of people.
The way the look at me,
speak to me,
treat me.
Its the only escape I have from my own head.
I feel to much.
Good and bad.
What I would give to not feeling anything.
Is it sad,
that I dream of feeling nothing?
To not care with every fiber of my soul,
for just one day.

I’ve always been told, that I fall to fast.
It doesn’t happen often, but when it does.
BAM
I wish it didn’t happen like that.
Its always so one sided.
No one will ever feel for me, the same way I feel for them.
That is a fact.
I’ve been viewed as an object for so long, that isn’t going to magically change.

I’m my own worst enemy.
Self-sabotage is my skill set.
I hurt myself before anyone else can get the chance.
Its hard to live in a world, where you don’t trust anyone,
least of all yourself.

Can I please be normal.
Can’t these demons let me go?
Please make them stop.

 

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let me go

I can feel it,
Crawling up my skin.
I can hear it,
Whispering in my ear,
I can see it,
Blocking out my light.

My demons want to come out and play.
They feel neglected.
I pushed them aside,
To bask in a moment of happiness.
They don’t like when those times come.
My darkness wants to run the show.
To be the center of attention.

Please don’t ruin this for me.
Don’t fill my mind with doubt.
Fears taking over my head.
Clouding my thoughts,
Breaking my self esteem.
Please.
Let me go.

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I’m tired

I’m tired.
of trying,
of living,
of hurting,
of crying,
of doubting,
of everything.
I’m tired of never being enough for people.
I’m tired of people telling me I’m not doing what they think I should be doing.
No one knows what its like to be inside my head.
Every day I’m fighting just to stay alive.
But you don’t see it.
No one sees it.
I’d like to see you try to survive a day in my mind.
You wouldn’t last.
I feel like I’m just a burden on everyone.
It makes me feel like shit.
I hate myself, for something that is beyond my own control.
Other people add to that hatred that my demons already bring out.
I wish I was normal.
I wish I could be as selfish and cruel as most of the world.
But sadly that isn’t in the cards for me.
I am stuck here, feeling every little thing that has ever happened to me.
Blaming myself for every time someone has hurt me.
I hate myself, even though somewhere,
deep down in my soul,
I know that I am a good person.
But I know that being a good person gets you no where in life.
I know I will always be alone.
Being alone is so much easier.
Then I only have to worry about hurting myself,
instead of having to worry when someone else will beat me to it.

 

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set me free

I question everything I know,
my fear has begun to show.
The things that I thought
would mean something to me,
and could always set me free,
that made me who I wanted to be…

There are days that I don’t even know my  name,
why have things become so strange.
I don’t recognize who is inside
no matter how hard I have tried,

I feel so trapped,
Maybe I have finally snapped.
my mind holds me hostage.
It has me locked in a cage,
I don’t know how to turn this page.

Please let me go,
what do you want from me?
You have taken enough,
just set me free.

I beg and plead.
as they watch me bleed.
The demons laugh,
They will never let me leave.

As darkness surrounds,
reality has been lost,
the fiends wrap around me,
what will be the cost?

Words fly by,
I reach for the sky,
and piece together the madness,
all it brings is sadness.

Please let me go,
what do you want from me?
You have taken enough,
just set me free.

The light has started to fade,
and the monsters in my mind,
have ended their raid,
I don’t think anyone could find,
an inch of me.

 

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