As per usual I rung in the New Year sad and alone… but its my own fault.
I always tend to fall into a deep depression at this time of year and of course I keep it to myself.
I don’t open up anymore because I’m afraid people are so sick of hearing about it.
So because I do not talk about it,
I tend to end up pushing people away,
even tho that is clearly the opposite of what I want to do.
I don’t know how to tell people I need them.
Instead I push the people I need away,
because I figure as soon as they see my darkness,
they are going to run for the fucking hills anyway.
So here it is, I’ve pushed someone else away.
I know I am not worth fighting for (well that’s what my demons tell me)
Who would want to put up with someone who has so much darkness inside.
I’m sorry to all the people I’ve pushed away over the years.
I push you away because I care about you
and I think you deserve better then what I am.
Because I think you’re going to leave me anyway.
I know I am wrong. I know I need to change and be better.
I need to change.
I need to see my self worth.
I need to know I am worth fighting for.
I need to know I am worth loving.
I need to know I am so much more then my broken pieces.
I need to communicate better.
I need to let my walls down.
I need to ask for help.
I need to stop pushing people away.
I need to stop overthinking.
Here is to 2018, may I find the strength to fight these demons and be a stronger, better person!
Happy New Year Everyone!