Tag Archives: abusive relationships

New Year, new me?

As per usual I rung in the New Year sad and alone… but its my own fault.

I always tend to fall into a deep depression at this time of year and of course I keep it to myself.
I don’t open up anymore because I’m afraid people are so sick of hearing about it.
So because I do not talk about it,
I tend to end up pushing people away,
even tho that is clearly the opposite of what I want to do.
I don’t know how to tell people I need them.
Instead I push the people I need away,
because I figure as soon as they see my darkness,
they are going to run for the fucking hills anyway.

So here it is, I’ve pushed someone else away.
I know I am not worth fighting for (well that’s what my demons tell me)
Who would want to put up with someone who has so much darkness inside.

I’m sorry to all the people I’ve pushed away over the years.
I push you away because I care about you
and I think you deserve better then what I am.
Because I think you’re going to leave me anyway.
I know I am wrong. I know I need to change and be better.


I need to change.
I need to see my self worth.
I need to know I am worth fighting for.
I need to know I am worth loving.
I need to know I am so much more then my broken pieces.
I need to communicate better.
I need to let my walls down.
I need to ask for help.
I need to stop pushing people away.
I need to stop overthinking.

Here is to 2018, may I find the strength to fight these demons and be a stronger, better person!
Happy New Year Everyone!


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the other side

Does anyone talk about the other side of having a mental illness.
We all know the dark side, the side that hides and lives in the shadows.
But what about the other side?

I do the opposite of what a lot of people do, no matter what, I rarely hide away and vanish.
Yes I am a hermit, but I am the girl that responds to every text message right away.
No matter what, I will be there for people.
I am not the type of person to use the words “I’m busy.”
I will be there for someone, even if my mind is tearing me apart, and I don’t know where I begin and the darkness ends.
I will still answer your text.
It makes me anxious not to get back to people.
Knowing someone could need me in that second, but I was “too busy” to respond.
Because of this,
people seem to think I sit around all day waiting by the phone.
I have mastered the art of multi tasking.
I could be in the middle of something very important, and I will still get back to you, probably right away.
I put others before myself.
Just because I get back to you right away,
do not assume that I sit around with nothing to do.
People are too busy in this day and age to even acknowledge one another.
Yet it is so easy to stay in contact and make time for people.
Yes, I do have a problem, I put everyone else above myself.
Trust me, I’ve learned time and time again what a bad idea that is.
But yet here I am.
Still doing it.
No matter how much I have going on,
no matter how bad the battle going on in my mind is that day,
I will be there.
Please don’t take advantage of my kindness.
Even if you do, I will still be the same way.

There are days that I wish beyond anything that I could fully vanish.
Leave all my feelings and cares behind.
Humans are my biggest love, but also my worst fear, even more so then my own mind.

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Mad Love

Alright it is time to go on a rant… about fictional characters…
Harley Quinn and the Joker…

I would really love to know how people are romanticizing their relationship…
Yes Harley is a great, strong female character…
But when it comes to the Joker, all her great, strong qualities fade.
Trust me when I say, you DON’T want that kind of love.
Their is nothing you should want from their relationship.
Even her creator has written about how awful it is.
EVERYONE NEEDS TO GO READ THE OPENING Paul Dini WROTE FOR THE GRAPHIC NOVEL MAD LOVE… can’t find it… here let me post it for you…

“Its happened to me, it’s probably happened to you, and if it hasn’t yet, rest assured someday it will. At some point you will meet that one special person who will put their fist through your heart. Forgive the gory allusion, but if you’ve ever been in mad love, you know what I’m talking about. Mad love is when you fall so passionately for a person (particularly the wrong person) that nothing else in the world matters. You find yourself thinking about your heartthrob constantly, creating fantasy scenarios that bring you together and trying your damnedest to make those scenarios happen in real life. You believe that you have finally found that one magical being who suddenly brings a sense of meaning to your existence and you will pursue them with all the fervor of Wile E. Coyote after the Roadrunner dinner – with, I might add, about just as much success.

We’ve all done it. We’ve all selected the wrong partners, all gotten hurt, and hopefully moved on wiser of the experience. But there are those who, even in the face of constant disappointment, continue to believe that the intensity of their desire will be rewarded by an eventual jackpot of affection. And if that’s the slot machine you’re playing, friend, you’d better leave the casino ’cause that one don’t pay out. Advice to someone in the throes of mad love is pretty meaningless, because any capacity they once had for rational thought has long since split for Aruba. Despite the setbacks and the heartaches, the pursuer tunes out their inner voice of sanity and is more then willing to swallow the tears, paint on a smile and once again resume the chase.”

It really upsets me when I see all those posts of people basically promoting their relationship…
JOKER LOVES JOKER, he doesn’t give a shit about Harley unless he needs something from her.
He is a narcissist…
You don’t want that love… that is the love I know best… and let me tell you first hand, that at the end of the day, it isn’t worth it… IT DESTROYS YOU.

I am terrified of falling in love again, because that is generally the type of love I get, and its always with the wrong people.
Please stop romanticizing their relationship.
If you want a relationship to strive for… Harley and Poison Ivy have a FAR MORE LOVELY relationship!

Also, guys really, Saying you are looking for your Harley Quinn, you don’t actually want that… she is crazy, like actually crazy… She is mentally ill… you can’t handle that.
Most guys can’t even handle me, and I’m not even at her level of crazy.
So yes, this was a big rant, and people will probably think I’m over reacting..
But that’s fine.