the other side

Does anyone talk about the other side of having a mental illness.
We all know the dark side, the side that hides and lives in the shadows.
But what about the other side?

I do the opposite of what a lot of people do, no matter what, I rarely hide away and vanish.
Yes I am a hermit, but I am the girl that responds to every text message right away.
No matter what, I will be there for people.
I am not the type of person to use the words “I’m busy.”
I will be there for someone, even if my mind is tearing me apart, and I don’t know where I begin and the darkness ends.
I will still answer your text.
It makes me anxious not to get back to people.
Knowing someone could need me in that second, but I was “too busy” to respond.
Because of this,
people seem to think I sit around all day waiting by the phone.
No.
I have mastered the art of multi tasking.
I could be in the middle of something very important, and I will still get back to you, probably right away.
I put others before myself.
Just because I get back to you right away,
do not assume that I sit around with nothing to do.
People are too busy in this day and age to even acknowledge one another.
Yet it is so easy to stay in contact and make time for people.
Yes, I do have a problem, I put everyone else above myself.
Trust me, I’ve learned time and time again what a bad idea that is.
But yet here I am.
Still doing it.
No matter how much I have going on,
no matter how bad the battle going on in my mind is that day,
I will be there.
Please don’t take advantage of my kindness.
Even if you do, I will still be the same way.

There are days that I wish beyond anything that I could fully vanish.
Leave all my feelings and cares behind.
Humans are my biggest love, but also my worst fear, even more so then my own mind.

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If only I had the courage to take my life,
a selfish act you say?
Can’t I have just one, for myself.
I spend my days fighting battles you will never see.

Emotional exhaustion is something I have yet to overcome.
Because even when I sleep,
I am still waging wars.
There is only so many times,
that I can manage to find,
the strength inside,
to make my demons stay away.

I feel to much,
what you feel,
what he feels,
what I feel,
it all becomes blurred.

I keep it to myself.
I can’t ever let you see,
all the mess inside of me.
I know that even if you catch a peak,
you’ll think I’m a freak.

This is a road I’ve walked alone,
it had already been set in stone.
No one can say I haven’t tried,
even through all the tears I’ve cried.

I can’t do this on my own anymore,
I can’t keep fighting this war,
don’t leave me alone.

Please

 

 

 

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a letter

A letter to a Jedi,

I don’t know where to start.
We barely know each-other.
We haven’t even met.
But there is something there.
At least I felt it.
Maybe you didn’t.
But I feel your absence now.
I question life so often,
and I want to know why it put you in my path,
just to have you leave.
Distance doesn’t scare me.
I’ve given up hope so often.
I have accepted the odds of growing old alone.
I blame myself for everything.
Doing this alone is so hard.
And trust me, it is not like I let anyone in.
I felt to much to quickly.
Its part of my curse.
I guess it weirds people out.
No one likes to have feelings anymore,
let alone when someone else gets strong feelings for them.
I truly wish I could turn it off, and become a robot.
I feel the good feelings just as extremely as the bad feelings.
I guess I should know by now, that no one wants a person like me.
But then again, that is just my demons feeling my head.
But at the end of the day, they have stuck around.
No one else has.
I know at the end of the day, I could have loved you.
But I never stood a chance.14615839_1120393844709700_7364863139579580343_o

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Self-sabotage

I feed off of people.
The way the look at me,
speak to me,
treat me.
Its the only escape I have from my own head.
I feel to much.
Good and bad.
What I would give to not feeling anything.
Is it sad,
that I dream of feeling nothing?
To not care with every fiber of my soul,
for just one day.

I’ve always been told, that I fall to fast.
It doesn’t happen often, but when it does.
BAM
I wish it didn’t happen like that.
Its always so one sided.
No one will ever feel for me, the same way I feel for them.
That is a fact.
I’ve been viewed as an object for so long, that isn’t going to magically change.

I’m my own worst enemy.
Self-sabotage is my skill set.
I hurt myself before anyone else can get the chance.
Its hard to live in a world, where you don’t trust anyone,
least of all yourself.

Can I please be normal.
Can’t these demons let me go?
Please make them stop.

 

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let me go

I can feel it,
Crawling up my skin.
I can hear it,
Whispering in my ear,
I can see it,
Blocking out my light.

My demons want to come out and play.
They feel neglected.
I pushed them aside,
To bask in a moment of happiness.
They don’t like when those times come.
My darkness wants to run the show.
To be the center of attention.

Please don’t ruin this for me.
Don’t fill my mind with doubt.
Fears taking over my head.
Clouding my thoughts,
Breaking my self esteem.
Please.
Let me go.

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I’m tired

I’m tired.
of trying,
of living,
of hurting,
of crying,
of doubting,
of everything.
I’m tired of never being enough for people.
I’m tired of people telling me I’m not doing what they think I should be doing.
No one knows what its like to be inside my head.
Every day I’m fighting just to stay alive.
But you don’t see it.
No one sees it.
I’d like to see you try to survive a day in my mind.
You wouldn’t last.
I feel like I’m just a burden on everyone.
It makes me feel like shit.
I hate myself, for something that is beyond my own control.
Other people add to that hatred that my demons already bring out.
I wish I was normal.
I wish I could be as selfish and cruel as most of the world.
But sadly that isn’t in the cards for me.
I am stuck here, feeling every little thing that has ever happened to me.
Blaming myself for every time someone has hurt me.
I hate myself, even though somewhere,
deep down in my soul,
I know that I am a good person.
But I know that being a good person gets you no where in life.
I know I will always be alone.
Being alone is so much easier.
Then I only have to worry about hurting myself,
instead of having to worry when someone else will beat me to it.

 

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set me free

I question everything I know,
my fear has begun to show.
The things that I thought
would mean something to me,
and could always set me free,
that made me who I wanted to be…

There are days that I don’t even know my  name,
why have things become so strange.
I don’t recognize who is inside
no matter how hard I have tried,

I feel so trapped,
Maybe I have finally snapped.
my mind holds me hostage.
It has me locked in a cage,
I don’t know how to turn this page.

Please let me go,
what do you want from me?
You have taken enough,
just set me free.

I beg and plead.
as they watch me bleed.
The demons laugh,
They will never let me leave.

As darkness surrounds,
reality has been lost,
the fiends wrap around me,
what will be the cost?

Words fly by,
I reach for the sky,
and piece together the madness,
all it brings is sadness.

Please let me go,
what do you want from me?
You have taken enough,
just set me free.

The light has started to fade,
and the monsters in my mind,
have ended their raid,
I don’t think anyone could find,
an inch of me.

 

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Mad Love

Alright it is time to go on a rant… about fictional characters…
Harley Quinn and the Joker…

I would really love to know how people are romanticizing their relationship…
IT IS A TOXIC ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!
Yes Harley is a great, strong female character…
But when it comes to the Joker, all her great, strong qualities fade.
SHE IS IN MAD LOVE WITH HIM…
Trust me when I say, you DON’T want that kind of love.
Their is nothing you should want from their relationship.
Even her creator has written about how awful it is.
EVERYONE NEEDS TO GO READ THE OPENING Paul Dini WROTE FOR THE GRAPHIC NOVEL MAD LOVE… can’t find it… here let me post it for you…

“Its happened to me, it’s probably happened to you, and if it hasn’t yet, rest assured someday it will. At some point you will meet that one special person who will put their fist through your heart. Forgive the gory allusion, but if you’ve ever been in mad love, you know what I’m talking about. Mad love is when you fall so passionately for a person (particularly the wrong person) that nothing else in the world matters. You find yourself thinking about your heartthrob constantly, creating fantasy scenarios that bring you together and trying your damnedest to make those scenarios happen in real life. You believe that you have finally found that one magical being who suddenly brings a sense of meaning to your existence and you will pursue them with all the fervor of Wile E. Coyote after the Roadrunner dinner – with, I might add, about just as much success.

We’ve all done it. We’ve all selected the wrong partners, all gotten hurt, and hopefully moved on wiser of the experience. But there are those who, even in the face of constant disappointment, continue to believe that the intensity of their desire will be rewarded by an eventual jackpot of affection. And if that’s the slot machine you’re playing, friend, you’d better leave the casino ’cause that one don’t pay out. Advice to someone in the throes of mad love is pretty meaningless, because any capacity they once had for rational thought has long since split for Aruba. Despite the setbacks and the heartaches, the pursuer tunes out their inner voice of sanity and is more then willing to swallow the tears, paint on a smile and once again resume the chase.”

It really upsets me when I see all those posts of people basically promoting their relationship…
JOKER LOVES JOKER, he doesn’t give a shit about Harley unless he needs something from her.
He is a narcissist…
You don’t want that love… that is the love I know best… and let me tell you first hand, that at the end of the day, it isn’t worth it… IT DESTROYS YOU.

I am terrified of falling in love again, because that is generally the type of love I get, and its always with the wrong people.
Please stop romanticizing their relationship.
If you want a relationship to strive for… Harley and Poison Ivy have a FAR MORE LOVELY relationship!

Also, guys really, Saying you are looking for your Harley Quinn, you don’t actually want that… she is crazy, like actually crazy… She is mentally ill… you can’t handle that.
Most guys can’t even handle me, and I’m not even at her level of crazy.
So yes, this was a big rant, and people will probably think I’m over reacting..
But that’s fine.

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shell

Beyond exhausted and overwhelmed.
Can’t keep fighting these battles in my head.
Can’t win against my own mind.
Tell me what is real…

I shouldn’t have to live like this.
Yet this is the only way it is ever going to be.

I idolize the idea of death.
Everyone has to have a dream.
What a sweet escape that would be.
Just to have everything stop.
No more pain,
no more anything.
That is bliss.

But no, no escape for me.
Guilt takes hold.
I’m not allowed to want to die.
Because what about everyone else?

Well guess what…
I’m tired of putting everyone else first.
Its what I have always done,
but who is putting me first?

Shouldn’t be my choice?
To live or die.
Shouldn’t that be one thing I have control over in this world?
I’m empty,
I’m a shell of everything I once was.
This mask is getting to heavy,
my mind doesn’t want to be here.

 

Just let me go.

 

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so i thought

I’ve always been a nice person, so I thought.
I go out of my way for anyone and everyone.
And more often then not I am taken advantage of.
Not appreciated
or just taken for granted.
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That is basically it in a nutshell…
As much as I don’t want to become a shitty person.
As much as I know I am good.
I am rare.
I’m basically a unicorn.
I can’t continue to allow this to happen.
I cannot continue to allow myself to be treated this way.

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