not so happy new year

Every night while I am trying to get to sleep
my brain doesn’t shut up.
I think of all these things I could write about.
But my body wont move, it wont let me get up and write all the chaos down.
So here I am, in the morning, sitting in front of my computer trying to find
all the words I thought of the night before…
and nothing is coming to me.

I wanted to talk about Carrie.
I wanted to talk about this vast loneliness.
I wanted to talk about how much I hate this time of year.

But who listens? Who cares? No one.

I know I am too much for people.
I feel to much.
I talk to much.
I care to much.
I love to much.
I cry to much.
I think to much.
The list could go on and on.

I’m weird and I’m strange.
People like the IDEA of me.
I look like some cool, edgy, alternative girl.
But when they get to know me, people sure seem to be greatly disappointed.

Who wants to be around someone who is just too intense…
People don’t understand me… I’m weird and strange and don’t fit.

I have become a full out hermit.
I cannot handle being around people anymore.
Because I can’t handle being hurt anymore.

So many people take advantage of me.
I’m always available to the people I care about,
and boy, do people ever exploit that quality.

Do you want to know what I fantasize about the most?
Death.
I would give anything to just have my life end.
But I can’t because I don’t want to hurt the few people that do care.

I wish it was me and not Carrie.
At least she was making a difference.
She could help people.

I got to spend my Birthday alone.
Sitting on my couch all day crying.
I spent new years with my parents.
I was crying then too.

That is all I do, cry and think about taking my life.
I don’t look forward to this year… it is going to be just another year of pain.
Like every year.

I’m so tired.
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5 thoughts on “not so happy new year

  1. maximusinsight says:

    Weird and strange are precious in times like these. In an over-populated world where everyone wants to fit in and it’s far easier to let society mould you, the fact that you can still be unique is testament to the pure strength of you being “you”.
    I also have this plagued mind that moves a million miles a minute when I’m trying to shut down, the questions never stop and at the darkest point the only answer I can find is to seek peace in death as well…..but there’s a small sliver of light inside that at the deepest point illuminates my heart to remind me that I have a quest or an adventure still ahead of me. To change the world. The change the minds. To protect the unique characters that are colouring this world of greys.
    I always touch back to Uzumaki, sometimes the answer isn’t to stay in a constant battle with the enemy inside me, but to accept it’s presence and use the power it contains to strenghten me along my journey.

    I hope you never underestimate the value of being a gemstone in a sea of diamonds.

    Sorry if I trailed off and blabbered.
    I just wanted to say that you’re not alone.
    And that your existence alone means something to someone who doesn’t even know you.

    Good-day.

    Liked by 1 person

    • helloTRISTAN says:

      Thank you… I dont really know what to say ha. I accept my demons more often then not… its just sometimes they get really bad… and sadly… people tend to give them that strength to push me into the darkness.

      Thank you for your kind and beautiful words.

      Like

      • maximusinsight says:

        I have read through your other blogs and I’m convinced that our souls are travelling through similar paths. I’ve followed your blog because my mind is now consumed with the desire that I have to get to know you. That I have to add you to my stars.
        I’m afraid this may seem super creepy, but beyond that fear my curiosity is overwhelming and I hope you won’t send me away.
        I look forward to your next entry because these last few have eaten holes in my stomach. I myself am an empath. I feel what others feel. Good or bad, happy or sad. I’ve shed tears for people and moments I could not relate and could never understand why until recently.
        It gets too intense, sometimes and I’ve spent moments staring at my cat wondering if I took his life if it would harden my heart out like most assassin training would suggest or if it would break me completely and let my demon consume me whole…..
        And I’ve rambled again. I apologize. Something about reading your blog has stirred something up inside of me……

        I just…..don’t even know anymore.
        We humans are such fickle creatures…

        Liked by 1 person

      • helloTRISTAN says:

        Well thank you. I’m glad my blog has spoken to you in some way.
        My goal is truly to help others not feel so alone. Even if I am not doing the greatest job helping myself… if I can bring some sort of help or reassurance to someone else… that is all that matters.

        Liked by 1 person

      • maximusinsight says:

        That’s why we connect with others. Sometimes we need help helping ourselves. If you ever need a mind to share thoughts with mine is yours.

        Liked by 1 person

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