Monthly Archives: November 2016

Its passion

I have been trying to figure out how to write about this for sometime now.
I’ve wanted to talk about the more public aspects of my personality for awhile.

I never grew out of the “emo kid” faze. I find that seems to weird people out.
How my interests have not really changed much over the years. I knew what I liked at an early age, so I guess it was never a faze to me.

I find that people also think it is weird how I “obsess” over things.
For example:
TWENTY ØNE PILØTS
Star Wars
Jean Grey
Vampires
and so on…
To me it is a passion I have for the things I love.
Passion seems to be mistaken for obsession, which to me, is a word used negatively.

Why is it wrong that I love things with every inch of myself?
These things bring me happiness, which isn’t something common in my life.
I have always surrounded myself with things I love.
These characters and this band will never let me down or hurt me.

Passion and love are two things this world is severely lacking.
Every time I put TWENTY ØNE PILØTS’ logo on something,
know that for that brief moment I am feeling true happiness,
so please don’t judge me.

These things that I love keep me going.
Don’t look down on me.
Don’t tell me to grow up.
Don’t put out the fire that I’m so desperately trying to keep burning.

ps. if you are ever so lucky as to feel my love. Don’t take it for grated.
When I love, I always love with every fiber of my soul.
But I suppose no one is interested in love anymore.
So I shall continue to give it to TWENTY ØNE PILØTS

14572380_337899823220660_5846900338408967379_nand the other things I am passionate about.

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feel

I feel crazy.

What is the actual definition of the word?
Maybe more of us are actually… crazy.
But, right now, I feel it.
The lack of control over my mind,
my thoughts running rampant.
Questioning everything i do, think, feel, see…
Making me question and over think every single thing that comes my way.
Some days,
oh some days I do have control, but it never lasts long.
Then I feel my old friend sneak back in and take over.
And he refuses to play as a team,
when my darkness is around, he’s in control and knows whats “best”.

So that sure sounds crazy, so I must be crazy.
I mean, I guess that doesn’t have to be a bad thing?
But people will think it is.
Because people who have full control of their mind, will never understand that there are many levels of crazy, some of them aren’t so bad.

I feel to much, it has always been a problem.
Not only do I feel my own feelings, I pick up on everyone else’s too.
There are days I would give up anything to not feel so much.
I don’t think anyone understands what this is like.

Even feeling good emotions can be so overwhelming.
But its the negative ones that destroy me.
I am always fighting wars with my mind.
I am in a state of constant exhaustion,
but my mind doesn’t even stop for me to get enough sleep.

I feel so very alone.
The things I once enjoyed can’t even hold my attention.
I have to always be doing a million things at once just to try to distract my demons.

Every day just seems to grow darker.
Fighting these battles keeps getting harder.
I don’t know how much longer I can do this.
What is the point of living a life like this?
I feel so lost and the loneliness is killing me.
Death is a constant fantasy.
I have trouble finding words.
I only know that I want this pain to stop.
I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
No one should have to feel the way I do.
My mind is destroying me.

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clouding

I can feel them. My demons are placing their hands over my eyes.
Clouding everything I know and I can’t stop them.
Please don’t do this.
You were just here, can’t I have more time.
This is my mind, not yours.
Let me go.

the other side

Does anyone talk about the other side of having a mental illness.
We all know the dark side, the side that hides and lives in the shadows.
But what about the other side?

I do the opposite of what a lot of people do, no matter what, I rarely hide away and vanish.
Yes I am a hermit, but I am the girl that responds to every text message right away.
No matter what, I will be there for people.
I am not the type of person to use the words “I’m busy.”
I will be there for someone, even if my mind is tearing me apart, and I don’t know where I begin and the darkness ends.
I will still answer your text.
It makes me anxious not to get back to people.
Knowing someone could need me in that second, but I was “too busy” to respond.
Because of this,
people seem to think I sit around all day waiting by the phone.
No.
I have mastered the art of multi tasking.
I could be in the middle of something very important, and I will still get back to you, probably right away.
I put others before myself.
Just because I get back to you right away,
do not assume that I sit around with nothing to do.
People are too busy in this day and age to even acknowledge one another.
Yet it is so easy to stay in contact and make time for people.
Yes, I do have a problem, I put everyone else above myself.
Trust me, I’ve learned time and time again what a bad idea that is.
But yet here I am.
Still doing it.
No matter how much I have going on,
no matter how bad the battle going on in my mind is that day,
I will be there.
Please don’t take advantage of my kindness.
Even if you do, I will still be the same way.

There are days that I wish beyond anything that I could fully vanish.
Leave all my feelings and cares behind.
Humans are my biggest love, but also my worst fear, even more so then my own mind.

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blurred

If only I had the courage to take my life,
a selfish act you say?
Can’t I have just one, for myself.
I spend my days fighting battles you will never see.

Emotional exhaustion is something I have yet to overcome.
Because even when I sleep,
I am still waging wars.
There is only so many times,
that I can manage to find,
the strength inside,
to make my demons stay away.

I feel to much,
what you feel,
what he feels,
what I feel,
it all becomes blurred.

I keep it to myself.
I can’t ever let you see,
all the mess inside of me.
I know that even if you catch a peak,
you’ll think I’m a freak.

This is a road I’ve walked alone,
it had already been set in stone.
No one can say I haven’t tried,
even through all the tears I’ve cried.

I can’t do this on my own anymore,
I can’t keep fighting this war,
don’t leave me alone.

Please

 

 

 

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