Monthly Archives: October 2016

a letter

A letter to a Jedi,

I don’t know where to start.
We barely know each-other.
We haven’t even met.
But there is something there.
At least I felt it.
Maybe you didn’t.
But I feel your absence now.
I question life so often,
and I want to know why it put you in my path,
just to have you leave.
Distance doesn’t scare me.
I’ve given up hope so often.
I have accepted the odds of growing old alone.
I blame myself for everything.
Doing this alone is so hard.
And trust me, it is not like I let anyone in.
I felt to much to quickly.
Its part of my curse.
I guess it weirds people out.
No one likes to have feelings anymore,
let alone when someone else gets strong feelings for them.
I truly wish I could turn it off, and become a robot.
I feel the good feelings just as extremely as the bad feelings.
I guess I should know by now, that no one wants a person like me.
But then again, that is just my demons feeling my head.
But at the end of the day, they have stuck around.
No one else has.
I know at the end of the day, I could have loved you.
But I never stood a chance.14615839_1120393844709700_7364863139579580343_o

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Self-sabotage

I feed off of people.
The way the look at me,
speak to me,
treat me.
Its the only escape I have from my own head.
I feel to much.
Good and bad.
What I would give to not feeling anything.
Is it sad,
that I dream of feeling nothing?
To not care with every fiber of my soul,
for just one day.

I’ve always been told, that I fall to fast.
It doesn’t happen often, but when it does.
BAM
I wish it didn’t happen like that.
Its always so one sided.
No one will ever feel for me, the same way I feel for them.
That is a fact.
I’ve been viewed as an object for so long, that isn’t going to magically change.

I’m my own worst enemy.
Self-sabotage is my skill set.
I hurt myself before anyone else can get the chance.
Its hard to live in a world, where you don’t trust anyone,
least of all yourself.

Can I please be normal.
Can’t these demons let me go?
Please make them stop.

 

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let me go

I can feel it,
Crawling up my skin.
I can hear it,
Whispering in my ear,
I can see it,
Blocking out my light.

My demons want to come out and play.
They feel neglected.
I pushed them aside,
To bask in a moment of happiness.
They don’t like when those times come.
My darkness wants to run the show.
To be the center of attention.

Please don’t ruin this for me.
Don’t fill my mind with doubt.
Fears taking over my head.
Clouding my thoughts,
Breaking my self esteem.
Please.
Let me go.

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I’m tired

I’m tired.
of trying,
of living,
of hurting,
of crying,
of doubting,
of everything.
I’m tired of never being enough for people.
I’m tired of people telling me I’m not doing what they think I should be doing.
No one knows what its like to be inside my head.
Every day I’m fighting just to stay alive.
But you don’t see it.
No one sees it.
I’d like to see you try to survive a day in my mind.
You wouldn’t last.
I feel like I’m just a burden on everyone.
It makes me feel like shit.
I hate myself, for something that is beyond my own control.
Other people add to that hatred that my demons already bring out.
I wish I was normal.
I wish I could be as selfish and cruel as most of the world.
But sadly that isn’t in the cards for me.
I am stuck here, feeling every little thing that has ever happened to me.
Blaming myself for every time someone has hurt me.
I hate myself, even though somewhere,
deep down in my soul,
I know that I am a good person.
But I know that being a good person gets you no where in life.
I know I will always be alone.
Being alone is so much easier.
Then I only have to worry about hurting myself,
instead of having to worry when someone else will beat me to it.

 

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