Monthly Archives: July 2016

so i thought

I’ve always been a nice person, so I thought.
I go out of my way for anyone and everyone.
And more often then not I am taken advantage of.
Not appreciated
or just taken for granted.
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That is basically it in a nutshell…
As much as I don’t want to become a shitty person.
As much as I know I am good.
I am rare.
I’m basically a unicorn.
I can’t continue to allow this to happen.
I cannot continue to allow myself to be treated this way.

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am I the only one?

Its time for me to go on a rant
I am so sick of seeing all these little inspirational quote memes
that tell you, you can’t love someone until you love yourself,
or the only kind of love you really need is your own.
FUCK THAT.
That is such bullshit.
Sometimes I hate myself, my mind turns against me.
But that does not mean I can’t love someone else.
Don’t tell me that I have to love myself to be able to love others.
OR
You know what, even on days where I do love myself,
that doesn’t mean that I don’t need it from someone else.
We are social creatures.
Why are we telling each other when we should or should not love others?
Why are we telling each other that we shouldn’t or don’t need love from other people?

Then on the other end,
everyone is making love out to be weak.
Everyone is pushing the idea of open relationships with no commitment.
To me, that seems unnatural.
Once I start to love someone, in a romantic sense, I can see no one but them.
But by today’s “standards” that is shamed.

The way I love, is one of the better qualities given to me by my illness,
yet society shames me for that too.

Life is so short, maybe we all need to spend that time, telling people we love them.
Instead of investing our time in being quite and selfish.
HAVE EMOTIONS, HAVE FEELINGS, EXPRESS THEM!
DON’T BE ASHAMED!

People can make us happy.
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SAVE ME

A battle is going on behind my eyes.
and every day, takes its tole on my soul.
I don’t want to fight it,
But I can’t let it to consume me.
I’m so tired of questioning everything I feel.
Thoughts always racing through my head,
never knowing what is real.

I need more reassurance,
but I don’t know how to ask for it.
I don’t know how to survive in a world
that is ashamed to feel.
When I feel every little thing to the extreme.

Am I the one that is crazy?
Or has the world just gone mad?
Why am I so afraid of what the future holds.

Death has become my fantasy.
The idea of feeling nothing,
of being nothing…
Its a dream.

I am sick of being stuck in my head.
My thoughts wreaking havoc in my brain.
I want to escape.

Then there was you,
You bring peace.
You silence my demons.
My darkness is in awe of you.
But only when you are here.
Other wise it fills me with doubt.

I second guess everything.
If only you knew the power you have,
you could destroy me or save me.
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people

sometimes you meet people that can just calm the chaos of your mind when you spend time with them.
I have a couple people like that in my life and I am so thankful.
I could be having the worst day ever and as soon as I see them,
everything is okay.
I am so thankful for these people.
These past two weeks my mind has been in shambles.
Everything has been overwhelming me.
My mind just goes to the darkest places and just stays there.
Its exhausting.
Hopefully I will have a week or so of peace and calm.13445500_1104122469655480_3148967962479206076_n

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i dont know

I want to give up.
I am so beaten down,
and broken.
I try.
God do I ever.
Sometimes I even believe in myself.
But not now.
I don’t fit in this world.
No matter how hard I try.
I feel everything.
I love to fast
and to deeply.
Always taken for granted.

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The sun will rise

It has been a week since my last post.
I have done everything to keep myself busy.
There were only a few moments where my mind pulled me into darkness.
But I managed to pull myself out of them right away.

I need to thank my friend Sam for being a trooper and helping me.
She has guided meĀ into being a social creature.

I know the demonsĀ feed on me when I am alone.
So I’m doing my best not to be alone for long.

I know the darkness will come again.
It always will, but I feel like it wont be as bad.

I am doing well right now.
Things are going good.
Being twitterpated helps too.
Now to keep my fingers crossed!

 

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