Monthly Archives: June 2016

Sundays are my suicide days

I hate Sundays.
I always end up alone,
maybe that’s why I hate them so much.
Being alone, means I’m alone with my mind.
So all my worries and insecurities are brought out.
I question everything.
I can’t see the good.
I spent most of yesterday just laying in bed.
Just trying to sleep so I didn’t have to fight with myself.
Now my anxiety today is through the roof.

I started back on medication.
A kind I know will make me a zombie.
It hasn’t yet.
I just want all my feelings to leave.
I’m so tired of feeling every little thing.
I rather feel nothing.

Over thinking will be the death of me.

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Sometimes 

Sometimes

I pace around my apartment
Counting all the ways
I could hurt myself
Smashing, hitting, clawing, screaming.
It’s more then the cuts tho,
It’s all my pieces.
Broken and thrown in every direction.

Sometimes

I lose myself,
I forget everything about who I am,
Other then the darkness.
That is all I can see,
Every flaw and imperfection.
You could point out the light in my dark,
but I just can’t find it.

Sometimes

I want so badly for you to see the light in me,
So maybe just maybe I can see it in your eyes.
But it’s hard for you to find it.
The demons keep it hidden,
Even from you.

Sometimes
| do have good days.
But they never seem to out weigh the bad.
I can smile until my face hurts,
but I am always on edge.
I know the darkness will come back with a vengeance.
It always knows when to come back.
Its hard to fight this,
especially when it comes at night when I’m alone.

Sometimes

My heart can burst with love,
For someone I don’t even know.
Truth be told I hate it,
It doesn’t happen often,
But when it happens it’s so strong.
It scares people off,
No one wants love anymore.

Sometimes

I wish I could be like everyone else
I wish I felt less.
I wish I could.
But wishes don’t come true.

Sometimes

I want someone to feel as much as I do.
Feel every smile, frown, silence, ache, song, emotion.
Someone to know me,
To know my darkness,
And love me, just as much as I love them.
But I know, no one sees me.

Sometimes

I accept the fact that I’m destined to be alone,
The last person who feels everything,
In a world where everyone rejoices over feeling nothing.

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tunnel vision

When it comes to having feelings for someone,
feeling a legit connection and chemistry,
it doesn’t come by often for me.
So anytime i get the slightest liking for someone,
its extreme.
I get…
tunnel vision.
I wont even look at, or speak too, anyone else.
It is a quality that, I’ve learned,
is rare in this day and age,
and because of that,
it is slightly shunned.

No one wants to feel anything anymore.
People congratulate and praise each other
for feeling nothing and being casual.
So when I come along, and I feel something for someone,
I want to express that.
I don’t want to play games.

If I like you I will ask you to hang out,
and please don’t brush that off,
or take it for granted.
It is hard for me to ask anyone,
even my best of friends,
to hang out.
I have this very large fear of rejection.

I am forgotten in the chaos of this casual, emotionless world.

 

sam

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dont read then?

I asked a friend what they thought of me the other day.
My confidence was lacking, as it does.
And I feel that males see me differently than the females in my life.
Part of what he said was
“I honestly think you focus too much on attention through social media. You seem to thrive on people liking you through a portal instead of who you are in real life.
It’s not just selfies. You seem to post everything about your life on social media.”

I want to clarify,
I post stuff about mental illness on social media,
BECAUSE I WANT TO RAISE AWARENESS AND END THE STIGMA.
It is not for personal attention, I want attention to be brought to a cause.

What he said really made me feel like shit.
But it is coming from a person who has only hung out with me once in like 7 years.
Someone who really doesn’t know me anymore.
Sure, he said a few nice things.
*not included in what I posted*
But saying I was just trying to get attention over social media
and not wanting people to know me in real life is bull.

So if you don’t like what I post, if you think its for attention.
DON’T READ IT!

Side note:
Today is Sunday, for some reason Sundays are always the worst days, or when the darkness and the demons like to emerge from my shadows. I can already feel it.
FUCK THAT!

That is all for today.
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good days

The last two days have been, dare I say it, good…
Which of course makes me wonder when the darkness is going to strike again.
That is the thing for me, the good days, they don’t last long.

So what did I did the past few days…
Lets see, Tuesday I posted an add for photography,
and got contacted to take photos of a prom.
Wednesday I decided to go to work, then after work had a bonfire with my friend.
Thursday I took some photos of a chipmunk that lives under my porch, then I went and took photos for the prom.

I was pretty productive, I tried to spend as little time alone as possible.
I work this afternoon, so I think before work I am going to go take some more photos.
Then this weekend there is an event in the town my parents live in so I am going to go take photos of that as well.
Here is hoping the darkness stays away for longer this time…

I still feel weird writing about the good days… but I know I need too.

Thank you to everyone who reads these things and comments.

if anyone wants to check out my photo skills…
http://www.flickr.com/helloTRISTAN

 

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