Monthly Archives: May 2016

take my life

The darkness gets stronger every time.
I do not see a point in living a life like this.
When every day I debate taking my own life.
The only reason I haven’t is because I feel guilty.
I have no interest being alive anymore, none, zero.
I cannot deal with this anymore.
The cards I was dealt were shit, and I cannot continue.

If that makes me weak, then so be it.
I have fought long and hard enough.
And I just can’t do it anymore.

I have no trust left in people and none in myself.

Every time the darkness gets worse,
and soon,
there wont be anything left.

I can’t afford therapy, of even believe it will work.
I don’t want to go on medication again,
because that never worked.

I am a burned on my parents and my friends.
I know they can’t handle me anymore.
I rarely even tell anyone how bad it is,
because I know everyone is so sick of hearing it.

I’ve never felt more alone in my entire life.
But its better that way.

Lately I just hate myself.
I hate every aspect of myself.
I hate every aspect of this world.

Its so hard for people to understand how it can get to this point.
I’ve just been fighting it so long, and I can’t anymore.
I’m throwing in the towel.
My battle is done.

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Am I crazy?

I feel crazy, legit.
What is the actual definition of the word?

Maybe more of us are actually crazy.

But… Right now, I feel it.

The lack of control over my mind, my thoughts running rampant.

Questioning everything I do, think, feel, see… Making me question and over thing every single thing that comes my way.

Some days, oh some days, I do have control, but it never lasts long.

Then I feel my old friend sneak back in and take over.

And he refuses to play as a team, when my darkness is around, he’s in control and knows what’s best.
So that, that sure sounds crazy, so I must be crazy. I mean, I guess that doesn’t have to be a bad thing?

But people will make it that, because people who have full control of there mind, will never understand that their are many levels of crazy, some of them aren’t bad.

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Friend

I haven’t posted in a few days.
Sometimes I think I should only post when things are really bad, or good, not when things are just meh.

Who wants to hear about the mediocre stuff…

But maybe I should post it,

Show that I am kinda normal some of the time.

This time last week I was kinda in the midst of a dark place, I felt the pull on my skin, I just wanted to run, to close myself off from everyone, because clearly that’s what everyone wants, or so my mind tells me.

My one friend would not allow me to push her away, she stood there, she asked questions, serious questions, stuff no one asks, she actually wanted to hear my responses. It was kinda new, it’s been a while since anyone seemed to care that much.

We spent all last Monday together, I took her to get her G test, which she passed. Then we went on the hunt for abandoned houses, which I got to take some lovely photos of.

All the while she talked, she asked me things, cared what I had to say, and wanted to be there for me, through the darkness, helping me through it.

So after that I forced myself to be social, to get out of my houses every day. The darkness of my mind preys on me when I am alone, I’ve finally realized that I need to avoid putting myself in prolonged confinement from others.

The rest of the week went well, I had some moments of darkness but sometimes I need them.

*please note; I don’t expect anyone to be able to or do the things my friend has done this week*
Here is a picture I took at the abandoned barn I went to, and my dear friend is in the picture too. 

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What’s the point

Mental health issues are still not taken seriously. Which makes life so difficult for those of us struggling with it.

We either have to hide it, or be prepared to be shunned.

Any time I’ve been in the hospital for suicide attempts, their main concern is if I want to hurt anyone else. But when I say I only wish to harm myself, they basically brush you off.

I have perfected talking my way out of hospitals, and it’s so easy, because at the end of the day, they don’t care anyway.

So suffering in silence seems like the better option.

I am always open about my illness, but it’s getting to a point where I don’t want to be.

I’m trying so hard to spread awareness but most people don’t want to be aware of it.

So what is the point?

My illness scares people off, or they take advantage of me for it.

So maybe I should put that mask I created back on, and never let anyone know how I struggle.

At the end of the day I’m dealing with this alone, despite how many friends I have.

So I should just keep it to myself.

I wish there was a way I could stop feeling. I’m sick of caring. It just isn’t worth it to always be the one who cares the most.

I go to sleep every night with the hope that I just never wake up.

I’m exhausted from trying to find my place in this world. I truly do not want to try anymore.

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Cursed

How do you explain to someone, that sometimes you lose control, that you don’t mean to do the things you do? But you aren’t crazy…

That you are just so passionate sometimes, but your darkness makes that passion something annoying.

How do you tell someone you barely know how much they already mean to you, because you are a passionate person.

That when you feel a spark, you feel it so deep in your bones it paralyzes you.

How can you say that to someone you don’t even know, without sounding crazy.

You can’t. Sometimes life just wants to show you these people, these people who make you smile in such a short time, just to take them away.

I have been through so much in my 27 years. That my mind causing me to lose another person, still fucking hurts like there’s no tomorrow.

You so badly want to fix it, but no matter what you say, no matter what course of action you choose to take, you are labeled crazy.

Maybe I’m just cursed.

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I’ve lost control

Do you know what it’s like to feel like you have no control over your mind, it’s excruciating.

Do you know what it’s like to overthink everything you do,

from the smallest things to the biggest things.?

Everything I do,

I have to think about the repercussions of it.

I think about what could possibly happen if I do this,

all the good parts all the negative parts,

and everything in between,

for every freaking decision I make,

this is what my mind does to me.

I don’t function like a normal person,

I would give anything to have my mind work like the way everyone else does.

I would give up so much more to just have control over it.

I’m not talking about just overthinking things like friendships and relationships,

I’m talking about overthinking everything from going to bed,

going for a walk,

going grocery shopping.

I overthink every single one of those things.

I don’t know how to function,

Why I cant function?

Then I just come across as some crazy person.

I’m not crazy when things are good,

when there’s no other stressors in my life,

I could not be fazed by stuff,

I can make decisions,

I can function in relationships and friendships,

but as soon as I have other stressors in my life,

It’s so much harder and people just don’t understand.

I think so often that I’d be better off just locked away in a room,

Where no one has to deal with me,

because I know I am so much to deal with.

I Scare people off,

sometimes I’m great I don’t care,

I don’t know how to put it I just literally don’t know how to put it.

When I’m in a spot where I’m so stressed with so many things in my life that when the good comes along something different something potentially positive something that makes me smile I Lock on to it, I try to hard and then I push people away.

I come on so strongly.

And I know I’m messing up,

Maybe it’s self sabotage?

All I know, is right now I hate myself.

I was so mad at myself,

I am still so mad at myself.

I fucked up.

Then, to top it off,

I go back to the devil I know.

Just to feel some sort of comfort.

So now I hate myself even more.

Right now I just want to give up,

I can’t get it right and I’m so tired of trying.

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tired

I’m just exhausted.
I’m so sick of people telling me to be positive.
I can’t, my brain wont let me.
It tells me every day,
give up,
no one likes you,
no one will stay,
everyone will leave,
you are nothing but a burden,
a waste,
end it.
I believe everything it says.

I can’t do it anymore.
I don’t want to do it anymore.
Because up to this point,
everything my darkness has told me,
has been true.

Not everyone in this life gets to be happy.
No matter how hard they try to be.
No one even knows how hard I try,
no one even thinks I do try.

I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
Not even my worst enemy.

I fantasize about death so much.
I want to feel nothing,
I am so sick of feeling everything.
Not just the bad,
the good comes in extremes too.
Which in a lot of situations can fuck up the good.

I met someone I really like, even tho we’ve barely hung out.
But I am certain I have already scared them off because,
I talk to much…
And in this day and age, people don’t like that.
You have to keep quite,
you are not allowed to care,
not allowed to feel,
you have to play games.
Its so rare that I actually like someone,
so I don’t want to play games.

I’m to tired for this world.
I’ve given my best,
isn’t that enough?
But what does it matter.12718108_770996963002517_4293582822940342784_n

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welcome to my life

I had a break down this morning leaving my parents place.
Sitting in my car crying my eyes out as
Simple Plans “welcome to my life” comes onto my ipod…
how emo could I possibly get?

I couldn’t even give my dad a hug good bye,
and I won’t see him for a month.
I told him I just couldn’t do it anymore,
and he just walked away.
Even my parents can’t deal with me anymore.

Everyone gets sick of me and leaves.
My, now ex, best friend,
told me she can’t deal with my shit.
Even tho for months I haven’t told her anything
involving what’s going on in the darkness of my mind.

But that’s to be expected,
everyone leaves.

Another friend I was super close with just vanished on me last year too,
stopped responding to my texts and everything.
She still randomly likes shit I post on Facebook but that’s about it.

Look I get it, I’m hard to deal with sometimes.

I’m clearly a terrible daughter and a terrible friend?
But it’s shitty how I can always pause my own destruction to help
anyone else out, to be their rock, but people can’t do the same for me.

I’m trying so fucking hard to get my shit together,
and some people notice.
It’s a slow trek but I’m trying every day to hold on.

I can only do so much.
Is it so complicated to not give up on me?

I know my demons are awful,
but I know the love I give to people is so much stronger then my darkness.
I give people I love a million chances,
but I guess it’s selfish of me to hope that people would give me chances.

I’m trying, I am pushing my self so hard,
don’t give up on me,
don’t forget about me,
please…

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clear skies

This past week was pretty decent.
I kept myself very busy.
I find when I spend to much time alone, that is when the demons wreak havoc!
So I spent some much needed time with some of my friends, old and new.

It is such a relief to have a good week,
but then there is the dread in the back of my mind,
what is going to go wrong?
Then once I think of that, that is when I start over thinking.
So today I made myself a list of things I would like to try to get done.
I need to keep myself somewhat productive.

The positive,
slightly naive part of myself,
is thinking everything is going to finally work out.
That would defiantly be a nice change.

My parents found a therapist near by that offers the program individuals with BPD need. Its a 7-9 week course… so I am going to be brave and check it out.

That was a short update.

 

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my photography skills.