Monthly Archives: April 2016

Untitled 

To say I’m struggling would be an understatement.
I have lost hope.
I don’t see the point of being here anymore.
I’m not happy, God knows I’ve never been truly happy.
I’m sick of pretending.
I just do not want to be here anymore. No one wants to hear these things and when I talk about it, most people bring up medication or therapy.
Both things have never worked for me
and I’ve tried them countless times and I just don’t want to try anymore.

I hate myself and my life, it has never been this bad before and I don’t want to continue living.
I feel guilty living a wasted life and I feel guilty thinking about ending it.
I’m stuck in this terrible limbo and I cannot get free.
Everything gives me anxiety, going to work, going to the store, talking to people, existing!
When I have to do orders for work I want to die, I hate my business so much. There is no enjoyment there, just stress.

But that’s everything in my life these days.
I don’t want pity, that is the last thing I want.
So I’m reluctant to even post this.
I don’t want anyone’s help, that’s all I do is ask for help
and I drag everyone down with me. It’s not fair.
I have given up on this world and this life.

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stuck

It has been over a week since I have posted anything on here.. That week as been filled with many ups and mostly downs. I haven’t been able to write, mostly because I still have this reluctance to share my mind with people.

I have tried pushing myself to do things and go out more.
I went and took photos for a firefighting class a week ago.
The anxiety I had was overwhelming, but I did it.

I have been questioning every aspect of my life, because I am not happy.
I am not happy with my job, I am not happy with my store.
But I am broke, I cannot quit my job or close my store.
I was scammed out of a lot of money last year,
so I have to keep working to pay this money off, it is slowly killing me.
I feel like I do not know who I am,
I have been wearing a mask for so long that I feel like I’ve lost myself.
I don’t know how to find myself.

I need a break, a legit break. I need to escape, I need to be some where else, just for a bit.
But there is a problem, as much as I want to travel, I cannot do it by myself. Not that I have enough money saved to do so.

So  I am basically stuck, in this never ending cycle.
Every day the thought of suicide crosses my mind.
The nothingness that is death is something I fantasize about constantly.
People do not want to hear that tho.
So I keep everything bottled up most of the time,
even tho it is the worst thing I can possibly do.

Very few things bring me joy anymore.
Lately I have started taking pictures, I am actually enjoying that.
But my camera sucks, and I need a new one, but guess what, that requires money.
Which I am so reluctant to spend.

Anyway, todays post was lame. I’m sorry.

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chaos

Every aspect of life overwhelms me.
Going to the store, going to work, talking to people, existing.
It is just so much and it is so exhausting.
I feel like I am such a burden on my friends and family and that makes me feel so terrible.
I am trying so hard to be an independent adult and I am failing miserably.
I don’t let people know how bad it is though.
I’ve created this mask that I show everyone,
because I know people are sick of hearing me whine.
I just want to give up.
I just want it all to be over.
I am so tired of trying.

Do you know what its like to never feel happy?
To have to fake every smile?
It’s torture.

Trying to be open about my illness is hard.
Its beyond hard.

Everyone tells me to be positive, to push myself, to change my thinking.
As if I can some how magically rewire the inter-working’s of my mind,
with the snap of my fingers.

I would give anything to calm the chaos of my mind.
But sadly, it doesn’t care what I want.

I have a hard time finding the words to express what is going on in the desert of my mind.
But I don’t understand it half the time.
I just know it is
pain
darkness
sadness
guilt
shame
self hatred
fear
anxiety

But because I feel all those things, doesn’t mean I don’t feel the good things sometimes.
I feel love for people, when I love some one I love them with a passion a fire that even the darkest spots of my mind cannot dim out. But despite that intense love. Most people will not stick around because they don’t like the darkness.

But the demons in my mind, we are best friends,
they love me with a passion and will never let me go.
But at least in a way I will never be alone.
So I hold on to them, and pull myself away from others.
I know the demons and darkness will never leave, but people, they leave.
They judge you and hurt you.
I expect that from my demons, but not from people I love.
So it is easier to hide away. To never love again.

Not that I want that.
But I’ve learned what I want doesn’t matter.

The stigma on mental illness is so great, it scares people away
before they even see it first hand.

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serious

My mind isn’t really in a writing mood today but there have been a couple things I wanted to talk about so I am going to try my best…

I have had a couple of talks with people recently that just left me feeling discouraged.
I see so many people who have a mental illness that want to suffer in silence.
They don’t consider what they have to be a legitimate illness.
WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT!
Not just for our selves, but for everyone suffering.
Keeping our mouths shut on the topic of mental illness, especially when we are struggling with it, just helps the stigma grow.
Having a mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, do you think people with cancer are ashamed?

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The second thing I wanted to talk about was something that happened while I was at work.
I do not work nights at my job, I just can’t. For many reasons, I don’t like being out late, there are a lot of creepy people that come in to the cafe at night that like to latch on to me, my mind is a mess when the sun sets  90% of the time, and the owner of my work is there, and she gives me a great deal of anxiety and stress.
There are a bunch of people that tell the owner that they can’t or wont work nights.
So now she is forcing people to work nights, and she expects me to give her PROOF that I cannot work at night. I asked a manager about what I should have my doctor say in a note – I figured a doctors note would be the best form of “proof”-
The manager then basically made out my illness to be nothing, comparing himself and others to me. Telling me to just be positive and all the other generic crap that people who don’t understand or believe in mental illness say.
Its so frustrating, I try so hard to be open with my mental illness, to educate others, but some people just don’t want to understand or listen. Mental illness is a joke to a lot of people. I know its hard to understand something if it hasn’t effected your life in some way. But please, keep an open mind, try to understand.

alone

This is going to be a depressing post.

I feel everything, every single thing, I feel it far more then I should. It is a curse, to feel everything so deeply. Because of that I’m labeled so many things, constantly told to be cool or calm down. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD GIVE TO NOT FEEL THINGS THE WAY I DO? No, you don’t.

I feel like everyone truly wants me to just shut up. No one wants to hear about the demons in my head, they are all just sick of me. I feel as if I am not meant to be in this world. I do not fit in or belong here… I do not want to be here most days. I am so tired of all of this. I don’t know if I can do it anymore, it is so much. I feel as if no one understands or wants to understand, and why would they?

I don’t know who I am anymore. Its as simple and as complicated as that. The person everyone sees, I don’t know who she is. I don’t know if she is even real.

I feel trapped and alone. I am stuck in a life where I am not free. No one understands what its like to be in my head. I want to be free of this but it doesn’t seem like that will ever happen.

I feel lonely.  Their is a deep dark hole in my soul, that is just so alone. I try so hard to talk to people, but it gets to the point where you feel like your annoying everyone. People are busy and don’t have time for you. You put in all the effort and then when you get frustrated with the lack of effort from everyone else, you are made to feel awful. You don’t want to annoy anyone, you don’t want to be a burden, but you don’t want to be alone. You give people thousands of chances, even if they have hurt you, because you feel so much for someone. Its so hard for you to let people in, to love people, so when you do, you give them everything, time and time again. Even if you know deep down they will just keep leaving you.

I am so sick of being alone, but opening up myself to a new person is so impossible for me. I rather keep going back to the devils from my past then let in someone new to destroy me all over again. I mean there are people from my past I still care deeply about, two specific people, that I will always allow back in. Why? Because there is a naive part of me, a part of me that will always hope these people can change. A part of me that hopes I mean as much to them as what they’ve meant to me. Going back to the devils of the past is far less frightening then going risking letting new ones in.

I feel like with most of my friendships I am always the one who puts in all the effort to keep in contact. When I stop putting in the effort those people just disappear, I was the one keeping any form of contact in place. It is so exhausting having to do all the work. It isn’t worth it when clearly the other people don’t really care about you at the end of the day. You know what I get that people are busy, but no one is THAT busy. I always respond to people, even if I don’t overly like them or want to talk. Leaving people waiting is so rude. I get that people are busy… but no matter how busy I get -even tho people seem to think I just sit around staring at walls all day- I always respond asap.

Some days, I wish I could just disappear from this world, go live in the woods on my own. 12932787_764806063621607_3259833340558238654_n

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self-care

I thought today I would talk about some helpful self-care tips and things you can do for yourself!  Self care is so important when you have a mental illness… I know that I forget to take care of myself so often! Hopefully these tips can help you!

SELF-CARE
*I found these on honoryourselfnow.net I just changed em up a bit*

  1. Get some rest!
    You probably need to sleep more! Having a mental illness can be so draining!
    Adults are recommend to get 7-8 hours of sleep a night.
    Naps are a beautiful thing, if you can, take one!
    Tell yourself you are going to take a rest at least once a day!
    Trust me, you need it!!!
  2. Fuel your body.
    I know I am more then guilty of eating unhealthy junk. But it doesn’t help!
    Plants, fruits, proteins, healthy fats… and WATER!
    I am definitely dehydrated more then I should be, and it is BAD!
    Eat what makes you feel good, both physically and mentally!
  3. Be Still.
    Take 10 minutes… watch your breath, ground yourself, meditate! Get quite, find your center, forgive yourself and others. Count your blessings!
  4. Speak up!
    Sadly most people are not psychic! If you need something, do not be afraid to ask for it! If something makes you angry or sad, say so, as nicely as possible. Make sure you stand up for yourself.
  5. MOVE.
    Do what makes you feel great! Dance in the kitchen, skip, swim, bike, walk, run, frolic, you don’t have to go to a gym and sweat yourself into oblivion… Just move.
  6. Enjoy Yourself
    I know it is hard, some days impossible. But life is short, so find those little things that make you smile and laugh. Talk to friends, play, see a movie, join a class, read a book, listen to music, play a game, SING AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS! Live your life!

 

I just want to the people who are reading this to know, that if you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. You can comment on this blog or even email me.
tristan@helloskywalker.com
I want to help, I want to listen, I want to be there for you!

working with bpd

Yesterday I was scrolling through facebook and a page I follow posted an article that was really great – I will add a link to the facebook page and article at the end of this post – The article was about being unable to work full time when you have a mental illness.

I recently got into an “argument” with a family member about this exact topic. They seemed to think it was bullshit that I couldn’t or as they said “wouldn’t” work full time, 40-60 hours, a week. They also hated the fact that I was on disability while they had to work those hours to support them selves, they were angry because they were paying for me to live. Basically the conversation ended with us no longer speaking because I was so angry and hurt due of their ignorance to mental illness and how debilitating it is.

Yes I barely work, and I’m on disability.
But I can’t help it.
I’m always exhausted, my mind eats my life force.
Please understand!
Those of you who know me, know that I use to work full time, or had two jobs.
But you don’t know how much it killed me, trying to be normal, to be an adult.
But the fact is I can’t be an adult like that.
I want to, God do I want to.
But the fact that my couple shifts at a cafe a week, eat away at me,
for more reasons then just the hours worked – I will explain shortly-
there’s just no way I can work more even if I wanted too.

I put on this face when I’m there,
no one would ever know the battles going on behind my forehead.
They think I’m joking when I tell them.
That’s the point tho,
I have made the perfect mask of this girl who is so happy it could make you sick,
a girl who has her shit fully in order and can just take on the world.
The truth is, most days I cannot even look out my window, let alone leave my house.
But that’s okay, I do more in a day then most people could imagine,
I do what I need to, and I’m sorry if you don’t seem to agree.

Yes I do work, I work in a cafe part time, and I have a online shop that I run and make things for. Seems pretty easy going doesn’t it? To most people it would be, but even that can overwhelm me. Most days I find it hard to drag myself out of be let alone dragging myself out the door to my job. But that is the thing I’m constantly battling my mind, I don’t have the physical or emotional energy to work, but I do work, because I feel guilt and shame. I’m an adult, I am suppose to be working and supporting myself. Depending on disability makes me feel so ashamed… and it really shouldn’t, because I am sick! I feel so guilty that I work at a place that is so bad for me. I don’t just work at an easy going cafe, I work at a cafe where the employees are treated like slaves and are verbally abused. We are treated with no respect and its truly and awful place, but I stay, because the idea of finding another job and meeting new people gives me such anxiety. All because I feel I have to work, even tho I know its killing me, I am trying my best to be some sort of adult.

Its so hard to spend time on yourself in this day and age. I need to make money to be able to survive, but disability doesn’t even cover my bills. I live on my own – it is a huge struggle – so I pay my full rent, hydro, internet, phone, and I have a car (the idea of taking public transit alone is very scary for me).

Some of us can’t work, and that is nothing to be ashamed off. Those people that shame us don’t understand what its like to even spend a day in our head. They don’t realize how lucky they are that there mind is not a battle field. They have no right to be cruel and tell us what we should and shouldn’t be doing. We are the only ones who know what is best for us, and sometimes that means not working.

Thank you for reading.

Personality Disorders Awareness Network (PDAN)
https://www.facebook.com/PDAN/?fref=nf

“When you can’t work full time because of your mental illness.” – The Mighty
http://themighty.com/2016/04/underemployed-with-a-mental-illness/

what is BPD?

 

So this blog is about my life with bpd, but I haven’t gone into to much detail about what it is that I specifically go through on a daily basis. When it comes to online interaction, (or even interactions with people are work or in public), people see what I want them to see, so very few people know what my mental illness is like first hand. I have been trying to promote awareness for mental health issues for awhile in my own way, I want people to realize it is just as real as any physical illness. Here is some information about what I have.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. In 1980, theDiagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders, Third Edition(DSM-III) listed BPD as a diagnosable illness for the first time. Most psychiatrists and other mental health professionals use the DSM to diagnose mental illnesses.
Because some people with severe BPD have brief psychotic episodes, experts originally thought of this illness as atypical, or borderline, versions of other mental disorders. While mental health experts now generally agree that the name “borderline personality disorder” is misleading, a more accurate term does not exist yet.
Most people who have BPD suffer from:
· Problems with regulating emotions and thoughts · Impulsive and reckless behavior · Unstable relationships with other people. (People with this disorder also have high rates of co-occurring disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and eating disorders, along with self-harm, suicidal behaviors, and completed suicides.)

Signs & Symptoms

According to the DSM, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR), to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a person must show an enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the following symptoms:
· Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived · A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation) · Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices) · Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating · Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting · Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days · Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom · Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger · Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.
Seemingly mundane events may trigger symptoms. For example, people with BPD may feel angry and distressed over minor separations—such as vacations, business trips, or sudden changes of plans—from people to whom they feel close. Studies show that people with this disorder may see anger in an emotionally neutral face and have a stronger reaction to words with negative meanings than people who do not have the disorder.
Lets just saying BPD is fun. For my whole life, it has been clear that there was something “wrong” with me. In high school my parents tried to find some help for me. It has not been an easy journey. The amount of medications I have been on and doctors that I have spoken with is ridiculously high. It was only recently suggested to me, that BPD might be what I have. After doing my own bit of research, i can say that this has been the only thing that has made any sense. Knowing what to call it made me feel a bit of relief.
That is probably a lot to take in. All this information I collected from websites (I don’t remember which ones as I have had this saved on my computer for awhile).

It’s okay

The only constant in my life has been these demons in my mind,
this sickness has always been there when no one else is around.
When everyone has gone and left me alone, it is there.
It wraps my mind in its arms and tells me it will always be there,
forever,
when everyone else is dead and run for the hills.
My demons will never abandon me.
They fill my mind with negativity, but they convince me,
they are just being realistic and taking care of me.
So many things I have missed in this life,
opportunities to grow as a person and to just experience life,
have been forced to a halt thanks to my mind.

 

The things they whisper, I believe everything they say.

You can’t do it
They will hurt you
Judge you
Leave you
Abandon you
They always do
You are safer here
Locked away in your mind
You don’t need them
You don’t need this world
You weren’t made for it
You were made to be in here
Feelings of guilt and shame.
Constant fear of experiencing life.
Of leaving my home.
I surrounded myself with things, instead of people.
Things wouldn’t leave me.
People will.
Objects and fictional characters became my identity, my life.
I kept using them to fill the empty parts of my head.
Trying to find happiness in them.
All while creating this person I didn’t know.
This image for the world to see.
Because of course, the world wouldn’t want to see the real me.
The train wreck, basket case.
Anyone who’s glimpsed it, always ended up running for the hills

Or

Made me feel like a monster.
But am I a monster?
I didn’t choose my mind.
This life.
I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
How can I be a monster?

Crazy
Manipulative
Psycho
Negative
Emotional
Freak
That’s what they’ve called me,
It must be true?
No, it’s not true!

If it was why would I feel guilt for every little thing I do wrong.

When I accidentally hurt someone, it hurts me 10x more. I can’t be a monster.
I’m sick, why can’t they see it?

Why is it so hard to grasp that my brain just isn’t right.

If it was physical they’d have some sort of sympathy.

They wouldn’t be so cruel.
Every time someone is cruel, it shoves me back into my mind.
To my demons, who love me and will never leave.
But it shouldn’t be that way.

Why don’t people want to understand.

Accepting that I’m sick, just as sick as someone with cancer or maybe another disease.

But because my mind is sick that isn’t okay?

It is okay! I’m not the only one!
There’s so many of us and we shouldn’t have to be shunned!
Treated like we are a virus! Ignored and shoved in the corner by everyone!
It’s time to take a stand and end this stigma!
Our brains are sick but that’s okay |-/

I wanted to thank  Twenty One Pilots.
After seeing them in concert the other night,
they gave me the motivation to do this blog.
They help people with their songs,
hopefully I can help people with this.