I am by no means in control of my mind. I do not have the secrets on how to kick this illness in its face. I just know it is part of me, I’ve accepted that. Despite how unfair it is. Anyone who has a mental illness must feel like they’d give anything not to feel what they do. Sometimes I don’t even know what I feel, but I know it is not what “normal people” feel. My mind is shipwrecked, there is no better way to put it.
It started when I was little, so I’m told. I don’t really remember much from when I was a kid to be honest with you. I apparently had the same emotional control as I do now. So basically I was a fucking mess.
It wasn’t until I was in high school, so over ten years ago, that finally my parents and I realized there was something not right. Since that time, I have gone through countless doctors, medications, hospitalizations and suicide attempts.
Basically I have never known a day of peace in my head. My mind is always at war with itself. The demons in my head will not let me rest. It is hard for people who are in their “right mind” to understand what its like to feel completely out of your mind.
Everyday is a struggle. I constantly want to throw in the towel and just give up. The idea of death, is something that crosses my mind frequently. But let’s save the topic of suicide for another day. It’s a little too heavy for me right now.
Right now I want to somehow share my mind with as many people I can, in hopes of giving someone some sort of… help, a reason to keep pushing. The stigma that is on mental illness needs to stop, and I just want to open as many eyes as I can.