Another broken heart

You went from missing me to showing very little interest.
It’s fine. It’s how it goes.

I work differently then other people.

I try to be selective on who I invest my time in. when I click with someone, I stop talking to anyone else.

But that isn’t how dating works these days, everyone’s gotta keep all there options open.

This is why I have no self confidence.

Because I am never enough, or perhaps I’m to much.
But it’s my own fault. I fall to hard.

And I’m positive I’m cursed.

So that’s it.

I’ve literally given every ounce of energy I had left, and now everyone has used me all up.
I can’t handle the anxiety I get when I really like someone. Im naively over here thinking, omg a person I actually enjoy and click with, this is so rare… and to that person I’m just another notch on the bed post. I always feel more… and I always get hurt.

I know my own mind makes these things harder, but I need to learn to trust it more, because it’s overthinking and paranoia usually proves to be right.

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diving back in

I’ve been MIA over the past few months.
I had a few not so great experiences on here.

But I am now ready to give this blogging thing another go, so I shall just dive back in.
( need to clear some thoughts out of my head )

 

 

I question things a lot, especially in regard relationships.
I’ve always had bad luck.
(pretty sure I am cursed)
I tend to assume the worst in people,
because that is all I’ve ever experienced.
On the rare occasion that I actually click with someone,
I fall pretty easily.
More often then not I am simply waiting to get hurt.
I tend to take things the wrong way,
to see the negative in things, even if there is nothing negative there.
Then I over think every detail of basically everything.
I’m not very good at taking things at face value.
I fear the unknown.
I’m so sure that everyone is heartless and just wants to hurt me.

 

The way I think, its like sticking a thermometer into a pool
(after only having your toe in the water for two seconds)
I need to check and make sure the water isn’t to cold,
because clearly I’m scared of freezing to death.
When really I should just take my time getting into the water.
I can take things slow, I don’t need to keep checking…

Wow I sound insane…

Thanks for reading!

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no

I’m very tried.
Tired of everyone using me.
The only time 90% of my “friends” contact me,
is when they want something from me.
When they need me to drive them some where, or drop them off or god knows what else.
I have finally reached my breaking point.
I am sick of being used and taken advantage of.
Everyone takes me for granted… and this is exactly why I’ve become a hermit.

I don’t hang out by myself all the time for fun.
I hang out by myself all the time because I’m sick of how I am treated.

It is finally at the point where I HAVE to start saying NO.
I cannot keep doing things for everyone else when no one is ever around to be there for me.

*to my friends that don’t take advantage of me… who actually give a shit… thank you*

 

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finish last

You know that saying
“nice guys finish last”
well let me assure you, it goes for nice girls too.

I am too nice… people tell me it all to often.
I truly wish I could be mean, but I cant…
the only times I am mean,
are when I’m trying to push people away,
but my goal is to hurt myself, not them.

If I care about you, odds are I care with every fiber of my being.
I will probably forgive you for anything,
because I suck at staying mad,
even if you don’t deserve to be forgiven.

No one wants someone who is nice.
No one wants someone like me I guess.

Sure I am pretty, but let me tell you,
looks get you no where.

In this day and age, no one wants someone who is nice…
I don’t know why, but they just don’t.
and despite how nice and caring I am,
people generally treat me with 0 respect.

Even still, you can treat me like garbage…
I will still forgive you…
I will still care…

So here I sit,
too nice,
too loving,
too caring.

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not so happy new year

Every night while I am trying to get to sleep
my brain doesn’t shut up.
I think of all these things I could write about.
But my body wont move, it wont let me get up and write all the chaos down.
So here I am, in the morning, sitting in front of my computer trying to find
all the words I thought of the night before…
and nothing is coming to me.

I wanted to talk about Carrie.
I wanted to talk about this vast loneliness.
I wanted to talk about how much I hate this time of year.

But who listens? Who cares? No one.

I know I am too much for people.
I feel to much.
I talk to much.
I care to much.
I love to much.
I cry to much.
I think to much.
The list could go on and on.

I’m weird and I’m strange.
People like the IDEA of me.
I look like some cool, edgy, alternative girl.
But when they get to know me, people sure seem to be greatly disappointed.

Who wants to be around someone who is just too intense…
People don’t understand me… I’m weird and strange and don’t fit.

I have become a full out hermit.
I cannot handle being around people anymore.
Because I can’t handle being hurt anymore.

So many people take advantage of me.
I’m always available to the people I care about,
and boy, do people ever exploit that quality.

Do you want to know what I fantasize about the most?
Death.
I would give anything to just have my life end.
But I can’t because I don’t want to hurt the few people that do care.

I wish it was me and not Carrie.
At least she was making a difference.
She could help people.

I got to spend my Birthday alone.
Sitting on my couch all day crying.
I spent new years with my parents.
I was crying then too.

That is all I do, cry and think about taking my life.
I don’t look forward to this year… it is going to be just another year of pain.
Like every year.

I’m so tired.
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Today

Today is my Birthday.
Please don’t send me well wishes for today.
Because today is not a special day for me.
Today is a day that I hate myself that much more.
Today is a day that I feel more alone and worthless then i usually do.
Today is a day that even more then ever, I don’t want to be alive.

Birthdays are a constant reminder of how much pain I am in.
I don’t bother asking anyone to spend time with me on my Birthday.
Having a Birthday four days after Christmas has always mean’t no one has time.
But that’s okay, its not like anyone asks to spend time with me anyway.

I don’t like this time of year in general.
And two days ago my hero, my princess, she died.
So I don’t want to celebrate today.
Because I don’t see anything worth celebrating.

So please, don’t wish me Happy Birthday.
Don’t tell me to have an amazing day.
It just makes me feel even more guilty for being depressed.

Not that I can share this with anyone…
because no one will understand.

Its passion

I have been trying to figure out how to write about this for sometime now.
I’ve wanted to talk about the more public aspects of my personality for awhile.

I never grew out of the “emo kid” faze. I find that seems to weird people out.
How my interests have not really changed much over the years. I knew what I liked at an early age, so I guess it was never a faze to me.

I find that people also think it is weird how I “obsess” over things.
For example:
TWENTY ØNE PILØTS
Star Wars
Jean Grey
Vampires
and so on…
To me it is a passion I have for the things I love.
Passion seems to be mistaken for obsession, which to me, is a word used negatively.

Why is it wrong that I love things with every inch of myself?
These things bring me happiness, which isn’t something common in my life.
I have always surrounded myself with things I love.
These characters and this band will never let me down or hurt me.

Passion and love are two things this world is severely lacking.
Every time I put TWENTY ØNE PILØTS’ logo on something,
know that for that brief moment I am feeling true happiness,
so please don’t judge me.

These things that I love keep me going.
Don’t look down on me.
Don’t tell me to grow up.
Don’t put out the fire that I’m so desperately trying to keep burning.

ps. if you are ever so lucky as to feel my love. Don’t take it for grated.
When I love, I always love with every fiber of my soul.
But I suppose no one is interested in love anymore.
So I shall continue to give it to TWENTY ØNE PILØTS

14572380_337899823220660_5846900338408967379_nand the other things I am passionate about.

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feel

I feel crazy.

What is the actual definition of the word?
Maybe more of us are actually… crazy.
But, right now, I feel it.
The lack of control over my mind,
my thoughts running rampant.
Questioning everything i do, think, feel, see…
Making me question and over think every single thing that comes my way.
Some days,
oh some days I do have control, but it never lasts long.
Then I feel my old friend sneak back in and take over.
And he refuses to play as a team,
when my darkness is around, he’s in control and knows whats “best”.

So that sure sounds crazy, so I must be crazy.
I mean, I guess that doesn’t have to be a bad thing?
But people will think it is.
Because people who have full control of their mind, will never understand that there are many levels of crazy, some of them aren’t so bad.

I feel to much, it has always been a problem.
Not only do I feel my own feelings, I pick up on everyone else’s too.
There are days I would give up anything to not feel so much.
I don’t think anyone understands what this is like.

Even feeling good emotions can be so overwhelming.
But its the negative ones that destroy me.
I am always fighting wars with my mind.
I am in a state of constant exhaustion,
but my mind doesn’t even stop for me to get enough sleep.

I feel so very alone.
The things I once enjoyed can’t even hold my attention.
I have to always be doing a million things at once just to try to distract my demons.

Every day just seems to grow darker.
Fighting these battles keeps getting harder.
I don’t know how much longer I can do this.
What is the point of living a life like this?
I feel so lost and the loneliness is killing me.
Death is a constant fantasy.
I have trouble finding words.
I only know that I want this pain to stop.
I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
No one should have to feel the way I do.
My mind is destroying me.

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clouding

I can feel them. My demons are placing their hands over my eyes.
Clouding everything I know and I can’t stop them.
Please don’t do this.
You were just here, can’t I have more time.
This is my mind, not yours.
Let me go.

the other side

Does anyone talk about the other side of having a mental illness.
We all know the dark side, the side that hides and lives in the shadows.
But what about the other side?

I do the opposite of what a lot of people do, no matter what, I rarely hide away and vanish.
Yes I am a hermit, but I am the girl that responds to every text message right away.
No matter what, I will be there for people.
I am not the type of person to use the words “I’m busy.”
I will be there for someone, even if my mind is tearing me apart, and I don’t know where I begin and the darkness ends.
I will still answer your text.
It makes me anxious not to get back to people.
Knowing someone could need me in that second, but I was “too busy” to respond.
Because of this,
people seem to think I sit around all day waiting by the phone.
No.
I have mastered the art of multi tasking.
I could be in the middle of something very important, and I will still get back to you, probably right away.
I put others before myself.
Just because I get back to you right away,
do not assume that I sit around with nothing to do.
People are too busy in this day and age to even acknowledge one another.
Yet it is so easy to stay in contact and make time for people.
Yes, I do have a problem, I put everyone else above myself.
Trust me, I’ve learned time and time again what a bad idea that is.
But yet here I am.
Still doing it.
No matter how much I have going on,
no matter how bad the battle going on in my mind is that day,
I will be there.
Please don’t take advantage of my kindness.
Even if you do, I will still be the same way.

There are days that I wish beyond anything that I could fully vanish.
Leave all my feelings and cares behind.
Humans are my biggest love, but also my worst fear, even more so then my own mind.

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